When you Limit Your Life, you Limit Your Happiness

I don't know that I've been happier in my life than I've been in the past few days.  Genuinely, deeply happy.

Why?  I've stopped setting limits.  On life, on myself, on others.  At least, I'm working on that.  And making good progress.  Like anything else in life, it's a continual practice. 

As Michael Singer tells us, "You want to say that as long as this doesn't happen, or as long as that does happen, then you're willing to be happy.  That's why it seems like it is out of your control.  Any condition you create will limit your happiness," (p. 142, "The Untethered Soul"). 

                                                   

I know it's scary.  It's scary to "give up control."  Or at least, your perception of control.  It's scary to let go and accept whatever shows up in your life.  But let me assure you, coming from experience, it gets easier the more you do it. 

The get-together with my boyfriend and his ex-wife last Friday night was great!  Seriously, honestly, great!  I was a tad nervous just prior to her arrival at the bar we were meeting at.  And I had to repeatedly remind myself to "Stay Open" all day leading up to it.  But I knew it was a good thing, and I was excited for it.  And I was not disappointed. 

                                                          

We ended up hanging out and chatting -- her, me, and my boyfriend -- for about two and a half hours!  I did not expect to spend that much time with her, but the time flew.  We talked, and it felt normal.  It felt like hanging out with a friend.  But the most important thing was, it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable at all.  And I fully believe my being open was largely to thank for that.  That, and both she and my boyfriend were willing to give me another chance, which really shouldn't be minimalized, seeing how uncomfortable I made things before. 

And here's the best part:  I still feel great!  I still feel open.  I still feel the love pouring into my heart, and pouring out. 

I had been working on "being ok" with her for some time now... as many of my blog posts have chronicled.  And I knew I needed some face-to-face time to solidify (and test) my growth.  And I passed the test! 

Take it from me... someone who's coming from a place of attempted control and placing limits... once you let go of your imposed limitations, your happiness and love will skyrocket! 

                                                    

Previously, I had placed tons of limits.  I "couldn't" be happy at a social event if "she" was there.  I based my attendance to things on her attendance.  I put friends in awkward positions.  I forced my limits onto my boyfriend. 

All of these limits and "qualifications" did not make me happier, make me feel more at ease, or add to my enjoyment of life.  That's what I thought they would do, but it was the opposite.  I was more stressed and more unhappy, the more limits I placed on myself.

"When your mind starts telling you what you have to do to make everything inside okay, don't buy into what it's telling you.  The truth is, everything will be okay as soon as you are okay with everything," (Singer p. 95). 

Everything in life is a gift.  If we don't see it that way, it's because we're choosing not to.  We're the ones making things difficult.  We're the ones having "issues" with other people, situations, or life in general.  All we need to do is Let Go and Love. 

                                                     

In another area of life, I'm also working on letting go of my self-imposed limits in regard to income and my professional life.  I've been working on building my own website for my new copywriting business the past few days.  And more importantly, I've been working on opening myself up to receiving abundance and great wealth.  No more "just getting by." 

I just donated $250 to a fundraising campaign at the humane society I volunteer at.  I fully believe that through giving, we open ourselves up to greater receiving.  Abundance is all around us.  By sharing our own abundance, we draw more of it to us. 

May all of us tap into the Abundance of Life and Love! 
Abundance in love, Abundance in income, Abundance in happiness. 
It's all here, right now. 
We just need to release our limitations and open our hearts to receiving it. 

Peace, Love, and Amazing Abundance to you all! 

Sarah 

                                             

When Stuff is Ready to Come out... Let it Out!

A lot of stuff came up and out for me last night.  A.  Lot. 

I watched as deeply held false beliefs came to the surface and floated away.  What made all the difference was my new knowledge from "The Untethered Soul."  As I was in the throes of anxiety and fear, I recalled Michael Singer's words and teachings.

"You'll never be free from problems until you are free from the part within that has so many problems.  When a problem is disturbing, don't ask, 'What should I do about this?'  Ask, 'What part of me is being disturbed by this?'"  (Singer p. 15).   

I did just that.  The fear came up because my boyfriend told me he was going to maybe meet his ex-wife (and maybe others) for a drink after work tomorrow (today).  I was more than welcome to go, if I wanted to. 

After he left, I, of course, was thinking about it.  I couldn't deny the feelings I felt, and didn't want to.  I reminded myself to "Stay Open" and just let the emotions and feelings pass through me. 

But I couldn't seem to shake the fear.  What was I so afraid of???  I had no idea.  That's when I asked myself Singer's question:  "What part of me is feeling this way?"  I wanted to figure it out! 

At first no answer came.  I was just encompassed in the fear.  So I asked a second time.  And then the answer rose to the surface.... from deep, deep within. 

"I felt unloved when my father left me and my mom when I was just a young child."  (He left when I was just a year or two old, so I don't remember him actually leaving, but that doesn't mean I didn't experience it.) 

That was it.  I don't know how I didn't make the connection before, but I didn't.  I thought I had worked through all the "stuff" in regards to my biological father not being around.  But this belief was so deep, I didn't see it.  I mistook it for other issues.  But this is the core.  I felt it. 

My boyfriend wanting to spend time with his ex triggered the false belief of feeling unloved. 

It's funny, because I knew I felt unloved by his talking to her, though I didn't know why.  His communicating with her in any way doesn't change his feelings for me.  She is no threat to me, my relationship, or what he and I have.  I know that.  Yet, I felt immense fear surrounding her. 

Now I see, clearly, that my fear has/had nothing to do with her.  Or my boyfriend.  It goes all the way back to my early, early years and feeling afraid I wasn't loved, I wasn't lovable.  My father left me, after all, what else was I supposed to believe? 

A cool part of my breakthrough experience last night was I noticed the distinct separation between my Spirit Self and my human self who was feeling the feelings. 

My Spirit Self was perfectly calm and at peace.  The voice I heard from that place was gentle, loving, and calm.  When my human self sobbed and said I didn't feel loved, my Spirit Self reminded myself that I am loved, and I am Love.     

I cried a lot.  Then the tears just stopped.  Just like that.  It was like all that ickiness had to be released, and once it was, it was gone.

After all that, I wrote about the experience in my journal, then just sat on my couch, feeling open and free.  It was the coolest, and strangest, feeling.  I thought about the possibility of seeing my boyfriend's ex tomorrow (today) and wasn't bothered one bit.  No amount of anxiety or fear whatsoever.  Now, that's not to say more fear won't come up in the future (even as early as tonight when/if we're face-to-face), but I know for sure that a TON of stuff was brought up and let go last night.  A MAJOR blockage was released! 

"If you truly want to grow spiritually, you'll realize that keeping your stuff is keeping you trapped....[R]ealize that life is actually trying to help you.  Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth," (Singer p. 74). 

I always knew my boyfriend, and him having an ex-wife, was for my own good.  I still resisted it though, and couldn't figure out how to "get past it."  I was stuck in the fear trap.  I avoided instead of accepted.  I closed instead of opened.  Now I know better.  And this feels so much better! 

"If you don't solve the root cause of the problem, but instead, attempt to protect yourself from the problem, it ends up running your life," (Singer p. 83). 

I truly feel that until now, I didn't get to the root cause of the problem.  I didn't trace it all the way back to my first couple of years of life.  I knew I felt insecure, but left it at that.  I thought that was it.  It wasn't.  That's why I kept circling around the issue.  Why Life kept presenting me with opportunities to see it, and let it go. 

Another "trick" I used last night when I was in the midst of the pain and fear, was to remind myself that I am Spirit.  That's the "real me."  This helped me "separate myself" from the fear and pain I was feeling, and helped me see what I needed to see. 

"How do you free yourself?  In the deepest sense, you free yourself by finding yourself.  You are not the pain you feel, nor are you the part that periodically stresses out.  None of these disturbances have anything to do with you.  You are the one who notices these things," (Singer p. 85). 
 
I had felt free, or freer, when I read "The Untethered Soul" the first time.  And I felt another level of that freedom last night.  It's exciting! 

"Once you learn that it's okay to feel inner disturbances, and they can no longer disturb your seat of consciousness, you will be free....[Y]ou can walk in this world and the world will never touch you.  That's how you become a free being -- you transcend," (Singer p. 87). 

"You can wake up in the morning, look forward to the day, and not worry about what will happen....[Y]ou can just enjoy all of it....You just live your life without getting uptight and worrying about it.  You actually live life instead of fearing or fighting it," (Singer p. 94). 

"Over time you will form an intensely personal relationship with this beautiful inner force.  It will replace the relationship you have with your inner pain and disturbance. Now peace and love will run your life," (Singer p. 107). 

Now, doesn't that sound amazing?! 

May we all continue learning, growing, letting go, and transcending! 

Your partner in transcension...

Sarah

                                    

    

None of Us are Ego-Free

I received an email a few days ago that caused my ego to stir.  It was from someone I hardly know.  She claimed she was worried and concerned about me.  While that may sound all well and good... someone being concerned about you isn't necessarily a bad thing... the underlying tone of her email was one of criticism and judgment.  She said she was writing out of love, but that is not the feeling I got. 

This made me wonder two things.  Was my ego just flaring up and causing me not to see something within myself that was sincerely worrisome and concerning?  Also, have I said things to people, given advice, offered suggestions, that I thought were coming from love within me, but were really more of a judgment on them?

                                

I honestly feel that the answer to both questions is 'no.'  Then again, I'd have to ask all the people I've given advice to, how my words rang within them.  So I can't be sure on that one, but I do know I'll be more mindful when offering comments and suggestions to others. 

In response to the first question I posed to myself... I sat with this person's email, and my feelings, for quite some time.  I felt self-righteous and offended by her words.  That's how I know it was my ego rising up.  But I reminded myself to relax, and try to look objectively at the situation that seemingly caused her concern. 

Here's what I came up with:

She doesn't know the whole story.  Far from it.  She knows a tiny tidbit, a slice out of my life, and from there, extrapolated all these judgments.  Yes, they were judgments... really, any time any of us assesses someone else, we are judging them.  We are reading their situation and applying our own thoughts and feelings to it.  Our thoughts and feelings come from our own experiences, so therefore, we are seeing everyone else's life through a lens colored by our own. 

Another thing is this:  We all have "off" days and moments where we are less than our best selves.  We all slip into self-judgment from time to time, and have moments of doubting ourselves.  As long as we learn from our slips, and pick ourselves back up... that's all any of us can do. 

                               

None of us are perfectly "spiritual" all the time.  None of us are ego-free.  None of us are free from fears 100% of the time.

So let's do our best to have patience and kindness towards each other.  And when we see a tiny slice out of someone's life, let's try to refrain from passing judgments and making assumptions.  Let's support one another more, and give each other the benefit of the doubt more.  I know this is something I can work on within myself as well, and I plan to.   

Another reminder I was given from this experience is to trust your own feelings. 

Someone else may try to convince you to do such-and-such.  If you have a bad, or even slightly off feelings about it... trust yourself. 
If someone approaches you, and no matter what they "put out there" on the exterior, if you have a gut feeling that is contradictory to what they're trying to show you... trust yourself. 

I think we (and I know this is true about myself) tend to trust others sometimes above ourselves.  If someone else says something to us or about us... it must be true.  This is why others' words can send our own self-confidence spiraling down.  This is why so many of us struggle with self-worth issues... because we have believed others' assessments, words, and behaviors towards us or even around us, more than we have tuned in to and believed our own Divine Worth, Value, and Importance. 

This is what happened with me and this other person who emailed me.  I took her words as truth, and doubted myself.  I looked at my actions, and my life, and wondered if something was, in fact, "wrong" with me.

I was surprised, in fact, at how much I took the words of a practical stranger to heart.  This was a great lesson for me.  Drop my ego and Open my Spirit.  Follow that.  Trust that.   

I reminded myself to "Stay Open" and let the feelings pass through me.  I re-centered myself.  And I am ok.  I am better than ok.  I am pretty darn amazing most of the time!  Sure, I may stumble from time to time.  Yeah, I may have self-doubt and self-consciousness creep back in occasionally.  Who doesn't?  But I work it out. 

It's all for our learning.  It's all for our growth.  As long as we stay open, and keep learning and growing... that's what we're here to do. 

In Peace and Love to you all... 

                                           
      

   
       

Our Entitled, Controlling Egos

Tonight I'm going out to dinner with my boyfriend to celebrate his getting a new job.  He starts on Monday and today is his last day at his current (and very yucky) job.  He's been unhappy with his current (soon to be old) job ever since I've known him (two and a half years).  He's even told me that he disliked this job nearly the entire time he's had it (about seven years).  Personally, I have a hard time even imagining myself in an unhappy situation that long, let alone actually doing it.  But, that's how he is, that's his choice, and I'm beyond happy for him to be soon starting a new position with a seemingly much better company. 

Anyway... When I asked him where he wanted to go out to eat tonight, he brought up two possible choices.  Both of which he has gift cards to (he's usually quite economical and thrifty).  One is a middle to low-priced restaurant.  The other is more high-end.  I suggested the high end place because this is a special occasion, and after all, he does have a $50 gift card.  Ironically enough, he "won" the gift card through his current place of employment as a prize of some sort.  So, it seemed fitting. 

Ok, here's where my ego decided to make an appearance.  We had decided on this restaurant and were looking at the menu online.  As I mentioned, it is pricey.  As in, just shy of $50 for a single steak, alone.  No sides, no salad.  Just the steak.  I don't eat steak, so I was looking at the other menu options and saw some enticing seafood entrees, a soup, and a couple appetizers that I would be interested in.  The other menu items (non-steaks) were less expensive. 

Now, I knew (and he confirmed) that my boyfriend would order a steak.  He likes them on occasion, as a celebratory meal, which this certainly was.  Not to mention, this restaurant is "known" for their steaks above anything else, so I figured that's what he would get.  That's fine.  But here's where my ego embarrassingly chimed in. 

It looked through the menu, mostly at the prices, and considered the fact that "we" have a $50 gift card.  "We" could eat for close to $50, both of us, if we ordered cheaper things.  But my boyfriend over here is planning to spend pretty much the entire $50 on a single steak for himself.  What about me?

Yes, it's embarrassing because it is, after all, his celebratory dinner.  And it is his gift card that he won at his job.  I'm there to support him.  I'm happy for him.  I'm not trying to take advantage of him in any way.  My ego was having a very hard time with making this all fit in its plan however. 

As I mentally chose what I'd like to eat, it's not that expensive (compared to the $50 steaks anyway).  Ten bucks for some soup.  Five bucks or so for an appetizer.  Alright. 

Let me break in here and tell you all that my boyfriend and I usually pay for ourselves when we go out together.  Neither of us has tons of superfluous money (yet).  So it would be a stretch to have expenses beyond what we, as individuals, accrue.  So from just a few dates into our relationship (he did pay for everything for those first several dates), we've been getting separate checks.  And I'm ok with this.  It actually seems most fair and reasonable to me.  So why is my ego having such a hissy fit with this fancy dinner? 

                                                

Egos like to control.  Egos think they know best.  When my ego self considered the fact that my boyfriend has a $50 gift card, it came up with the "best" way to use it.  That "best" way meant making it stretch as far as possible... certainly not blowing it all on one single menu selection. 

But, in trying to be understanding, my ego accepted the fact that my boyfriend would get that expensive steak.  Ok... plan B.  What if we got one check, took the $50 off that one check, and then split the remaining balance?  That way we could both still benefit from the gift card, and I (ego-self) wouldn't "suffer" because he chose to order such an expensive item.  I would still be paying for at least part of my meal, but I would also get to "use" part of the gift card as well.  It seemed like the most fair, rational solution. 

So I proposed this idea to my boyfriend.  He pointed out that we usually pay for ourselves, why would this be different?  And that I didn't let him get his frozen yogurt on my gift card when we went to the frozen yogurt shop a few days ago.  "That was like three bucks," I shot back.  "So?" he responded.  Then he finally relented and agreed to my plan of a single check. 

Was it really the principle of all this?  Was my ego just really that bothered by him blowing $50 just like that on a single piece of meat?  After all, it was his gift card to spend.  What was my real problem?  Or should I say, is my real problem?  Tonight is the dinner and I've been going back and forth on this in my head for the past two days. 

I have moments of planning to tell him I'll just pay for mine, he pay for his, like we usually do, and don't worry about how he chooses to spend his gift card. 
Then I have moments of feeling uncared for and like he should want to share his gift card with me, rather than leaving me out in the cold... that's how I was taking it.

Would this be as big of a deal if we went to the cheaper restaurant?  Would my selfish ego throw as big of a fit if we got separate bills there?  I'm pondering this right now and I think no.  I don't think it would be as big of a deal at the less expensive place.  So why is that? 

I think it's because I see $50 as a lot of money.  I don't know about you, but most gift cards I get, or give, are closer to the $25 range.  So $50 is huge.  I feel like that amount of money should go further.  Certainly, in most places, the two of us could easily eat for $50.  And my ego sees putting all of that money on a single steak (a steak of all things), as a waste.  Like, we could get five menu items for the same amount of money as one steak.  Which makes more sense? 

But, again, it's not my call.  This is where our egos cause so much trouble.  They like to stick their nose in where it doesn't belong and try and run the show.  And when its way isn't agreed upon by everyone else to be the best way, it gets self-righteous, indignant, and hurt.  That's exactly what I was feeling when my boyfriend and I were talking about this restaurant and this dinner.

"Love doesn't control." 

My ego was trying to control.  My ego wanted a piece of the "pie," i.e. the gift card.  But all I needed to do was relax and love.  Stop demanding.  Stop expecting.  Stop controlling.  Just love. 

This also brings to mind a webinar I listened to a couple days ago with John Gray.  You know, the author of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," among other great books.  In this particular webinar interview, John talks about how women are natural givers.  When we want someone to like us, our innate instinct is to give to them, and then they will like us.  And when we love someone, and really do like a person, we tend to give more.  This is where the conflict between men and women often arises.  Women give more and more and more, and this often leads to expecting more in return.  We think, I love you, I want to give you whatever I can.  You should feel the same way.  But men don't think like women do.   

I see now that this was another layer of what was going on within my ego self.  I was thinking of all the times I did give to my boyfriend, or did share gift cards, or what-have-you.  And I thought how if I had the $50 card, I would share it (because for one, I wouldn't be getting the $50 steak).  So, I assumed he should want to give and share with me as well. 

That's where the hurt feelings came from. 

So.  What to do with these ego flare-ups?  What to do when we know how we'd act in a given situation, and find that other people don't necessarily think like we do?  What to do when you're feeling entitled, and even deserving?  What to do when we feel hurt, in any way? 

Open to Love.  Remind yourself of what you're really all about, and that is Love. 

It's not always easy.  Even the most mundane, simple situations can cause the biggest ego flare-ups.  I mean, come on...  I'm having such a "moment" over a gift card?  

There are greater things in life.  More important things.  Let's focus on those and not let the trivial stuff get to us.  (Ok, ok, I'm finally starting to hear my own message.)   

Focus on the Love.  BE the Love.  Money is just money.  It comes and goes.  Open and Love.   


                    

Remembering YOU are Perfect Too!

On Wednesday of this week my boyfriend and I spent the day at a water park.  I LOVE water slides (seriously, I'm like a 5-year-old when it comes to water parks!), and my boyfriend hadn't been to this park before (or any amusement/water park in many years), so we took advantage of a day he had off work to go. 

It was a lot of fun and we both had a great time!  But I noticed something throughout the day.  My insecurities rose to the surface big time. 

Walking around in a bathing suit all day, surrounded by everyone else in bathing suits, is enough to make most people compare their bodies to others.'  In fact, even my boyfriend, when walking out of the changing room at the start of the day said he hoped he wasn't the only pale, hairy guy there!  (Fyi... he's not that hairy... though he is on the pale side).  ;) 

As a woman, I found myself constantly looking at other women and comparing myself.  She has a flatter stomach.  She has a cuter body.  She has bigger boobs.  Whatever.  Some women, I determined, I liked my body more than theirs... and others, I wish I had certain attributes of theirs over mine.

Why am I so focused on outward appearance???  This was the real question that came to mind as I noticed my thoughts that day. 

As I kept my mental score card of "whose body is better than whose," I started to feel down.  I felt the inner fear surrounding the whole thing.  I started to feel not good enough -- as I would see other women I determined looked "better than" me.  I had fears that my boyfriend would prefer them over me, or at the very least, that he wished I looked like they did. 

Why?  And will this ever stop?  What's with all the comparing???

I also noticed women who I could probably figure out what their own insecurities would be with their bodies, but yet I thought they looked beautiful.  For example, some women had wider than average hips, or bigger butts, or small breasts.... yet I looked at them and thought they were perfect. 

They're perfect just as they are... so why not me?

Why is it so easy to look at other people, even those whose "faults" we can clearly see, and see past those "faults."  To see the beauty and perfection there.  Yet when it comes to ourselves, we focus on the faults and that's all we see?  

Another thing I noticed is the women who I thought were more attractive, often had an air of confidence about them -- regardless of their body type.  The confidence is what made them look so good, not necessarily how they actually looked.

So I made an effort to raise my own confidence level.  To focus on my own desirable traits.  And this did make me feel better! 

                                                      

I wish I didn't get so down on myself from time to time.  I wish seeing someone else who I believe looks better than me didn't make me question my own looks and beauty (inner as well as outer beauty). 

We're all beautiful.  None of us are perfect.  If I asked any of the women at the water park (or any woman) who I find perfectly beautiful, I'm sure she could be quick to tell me the things she doesn't like about her own body as well. 

I also wish I didn't compare myself so much.  Comparing only leads to heightened insecurity.  There's no reason to compare anyway.  It's like comparing one apple to another apple.  We're all the same, but we're all unique at the same time. 

Each one of us is the physical embodiment of pure love. 

Have you seen the movie, Shallow Hal?  It's been a while since I have, but what made me think of it is we often see what we want to see.  What we see is a reflection of our beliefs. 

(Briefly... in the movie, Hal dates a woman who HE sees as thin and beautiful (thanks to hypnosis), but who is actually overweight). 

What I need to get better at is seeing past the physical appearance and focusing on the inner Love that is inside all of us.  Also to stop comparing myself to others, and feeling like I have to be "the best" in order to be loved or wanted. 

                                                      

Love Without Attachment

I realized last night, lying in bed, that you can love someone AND get attached to him/her, OR you can love someone and not get attached. 

And when I use the word "attached" and talk about not getting attached, I don't mean to be detached from the person in the sense that you're not fully present with them, or not showing your love fully.  I mean loving them, but not making them your whole world.  Loving them, but not feeling the need to control them or have them with you every second of every day. 

Just Love. 

                            

I thought about this in terms of my animals.  Currently I have 3 dogs and 3 cats.  And of those six total animals, I definitely feel closest to one.  If they all were to pass away (which they will eventually), I'll feel the loss of that one the most.  I know this is horrible to say.  I love all my pets.  I care about them all.  I treat them all equally.  But I'm more attached to one.  I'm not sure why.   

I think animals are like people.  Some we feel a near-instant connection to, for no apparent reason.  It's nothing we can help or control.  Maybe it's a past-life thing.  Or a soul mate thing.  Or just the simple fact of connecting more to one soul than another (whatever species that soul happens to be). 

For years I've wondered if something was "wrong" with me because I didn't feel more of an attachment to people.  I've had relationships (with family, friends, significant others), and cared about people, and been close to people, but at the same time knew I'd be fine if, for whatever reason, they were no longer in my life one day. 

I used to think this made me "emotionally detached."  But I don't think that's the case. 

Being ok without someone doesn't mean you love them any less.  It just means you recognize life goes on.  Your life (and theirs) is more than just that one other person.

This is what I believe "loving without attachment" means.  It means letting go of the attachment to how you think life should be.  Such as, you think you should be with such-and-such person for such-and-such length of time. 

My grandma is 98 years old.  She's still doing relatively well.  She lives at home and gets around with a walker (but doesn't drive anymore).  I know one of these days her time will come.  (For all I know my "time" may come before hers!)  Each time I go to her house (which is at least twice a week), I wonder if this'll be the day. 

As I've been "preparing" myself for her inevitable passing, I've questioned if this makes me cold.  Maybe it does, but I choose to look at it as I'm not getting attached to how long I think she should live.  She will go when her time is up.  Just like the rest of us. 

I'm not saying my way of living in this world is any better than anyone else's.  All I'm saying is it's possible to love without attachment. 

To love someone very much, and want the best for them, without attaching to your own beliefs of what that is.

Just Love. 

        

You Have to KEEP Choosing Freedom From Your Triggers

Deciding you want to be free from your neuroses isn't a one-time decision.  Choosing to let go of your fears isn't a one-time choice.  You have to repeatedly decide and choose over and over again....

Yes!  I want to live a life FREE of fear-based neuroses!  Yes!  I want to live in Love every moment of every day!  Yes!  I want to live in peace and contentment! 

Yesterday an interesting thing happened for me.  I became flooded with fear.  I could feel it coursing through my body.  This wasn't a physical fear that was actually warranted.  I wasn't in eminent danger.  This was the same ego-based fear of old.  The one I thought I conquered when I read "The Untethered Soul" and learned and grew so much. 

Here's what I realized... Those fears, especially the deeply-seeded ones, won't go way easily and quickly.  You may think you've got it beat, only to find it rearing it's ugly head yet again when you least suspect it.

We have to be vigilant against our ego-based fears.

                                                     

I was sitting on the couch yesterday with my boyfriend and he got a text from his ex-wife.  I could see the screen of his phone and saw her name.  He didn't open it right away, but after a few minutes (when the phone kept beeping), he did.  So I read most of the message too (I was sitting right there).  It wasn't anything concerning.  She was telling him he should apply for a job with Volunteers of America for some reason.  That was basically it.  Still, I felt my old fear-based ego rise up. 

Employing my new-found skills that I learned from Michael Singer, I merely noticed my feelings.  I repeatedly reminded myself not to attach any thoughts to the feelings.  That the feelings were just energy and I could remain open and let them move through me. 

So I did all that.  It did pass, and I was fine. 

Only, it came back.  Later that night... well really kind of the rest of the evening, though not as overwhelming as it was at the very end of the night when I was getting ready for bed. 

So instead of pulling out my kindle for my nightly reading of my current fiction novel (Hugh Howey's the Silo Saga right now), I pulled out "The Untethered Soul" again.  Ah...it felt like old times....

I skimmed chapter one, but delved deeper into chapter two.  It's funny because the first time I read this book, I read all the chapters in their entirety, and I didn't find chapter two to be very "life-changing."  I didn't feel like I learned much from it.  It was stuff I already "knew." 

But this time, I found passages to highlight and it really helped me. 

"You'll never be free of problems until you are free from the part of you within that has so many problems.  When a problem is disturbing you, don't ask, 'What should I do about it?' Ask, 'What part of me is being disturbed by this?'  If you ask, 'What should I do about it?' you've already fallen into believing that there really is a problem outside that must be dealt with.  If you want to achieve peace in the face of your problems, you must understand why you perceive a particular situation as a problem.  If you're feeling jealousy, instead of trying to see how you can protect yourself, just ask, 'What part of me is jealous?'  That will cause you to look inside and see that there's a part of you that's having a problem with jealousy." (Singer p. 15). 

What I felt last night, and what I felt in the past in regards to my boyfriend and his ex, I don't think is jealousy so much as simple insecurity.  Feeling inadequate.  Feeling unworthy.  Feeling afraid that he'll leave me, either for her or someone else. 

So... I thought all those fears and feelings were gone... but apparently not.... ah, still more work to do...

                                                     

What I'm finding interesting this morning, as I write this blog is I can see what happened before, happening again.  You all know they say the Universe brings us lessons over and over again until we get them.  So I know why this is happening for me.  Yes, it's happening FOR me... not TO me.  I know that.

This is the Universe giving me the same triggers as before, seeing if I really learned and really grew and moved past them.  And this is great practice for me. 

At least this time I'm aware.  I'm seeing what's happening.  I'm seeing the triggers come up and noticing my instant response.

"To attain true inner freedom, you must be able to objectively watch your problems instead of being lost in them....[T]he real problem is that there is something inside of you that can have a problem with almost anything.  The first step is to deal with that part of you.... You have to break the habit of thinking that the solution to your problems is to rearrange things outside.  The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality," (Singer p. 16). 

"Before" I tried to "rearrange things outside," as Singer put it.  When I felt insecurities tied to my boyfriend's contact with his ex, I tried to cut her out of the picture.  I demanded he stop communicating with her.  And from experience, I know that doesn't work.  I tried that, and I still had problems.  It was inside of me, and that's what I need to let go of. 

I'm reminding myself what I learned in my first reading of "The Untethered Soul," later in the book.  That once we're aware of what our triggers are, when they come up, and we're observing them, watching the energy that is them move through us... each time we do that we get rid of a little bit of the issue.  Each time... meaning there will be multiple times we have to do this process.

Truly learning to let go of our issues, release our triggers, and live in true peace and freedom is a task.  It's something we must commit our lives to.  It won't come easy and it won't come quick.  That's ok.  It's the same for all of us.  We're not alone in our quest for inner peace and freedom from our triggers. 

Chapter two of the book is called "Your Inner Roommate."  The roommate inside of you is your ego's voice.  That voice that never stops.  That brings up your insecurities.  That sees drama when there needn't be any. 

"In any situation or circumstance, you roommate could suddenly decide, 'I don't want to be here.  I don't want to do this.  I don't want to talk to this person.'  You would immediately feel tense and uncomfortable.  Your roommate can ruin anything you're doing without a moment's notice." (Singer, p. 18). 

That's what I noticed last night.  I had been doing great.  Perfectly, in fact.  No issues, no problems, no insecurities.  Then BAM!  My roommate chirps up and takes over my body.

All because I saw her name on my boyfriend's phone?  I knew he was in contact with her.  And I was ok with that.  I had been playing out situation in my head -- you know, "future" scenarios to "prepare" myself for when they actually happened -- such as seeing her at a social event or something.  And I felt fine in my head when I imagined those situations.

That's why I caught me so off-guard yesterday -- the fear flooding back.  I didn't see it coming.  That damn roommate! 

                                         

But here's something else interesting, that gives me hope.  As I was in bed, reading, I felt the emotions come up and I let them out.  I was reading, I identified with the words, and something was triggered inside of me.  I immediately started bawling (I hadn't felt like crying before).  Then just as quickly as it came up, it stopped. 

I distinctly remember sitting there, first being surprised I was so upset, but let the tears flow anyway... and then being just as surprised when the tears suddenly stopped and I felt perfectly fine again.  All in about two minutes time.  Literally.   

I guess that was another piece of my inner "issue" breaking off, coming to the surface, and being let go.  Another piece.  I'm making progress!

I suppose that's how it can happen when we're aware.  When we simply observe and let the emotions rise as energy through us and move right on out.  Let them go.  By not attaching to it, it moved through me quite quickly.  By not freaking out, stressing out, and letting my ego cause all sorts of drama -- I was able to feel the feelings, and let them go. 

Earlier in the day, when I was still feeling the fear inside of me, I kept reminding myself to stay OPEN.  To NOT close!  Don't push those feelings down.  Don't ignore them.  Just feel them.  Let them be there.  And STAY OPEN, no matter what! 

That's the only way our inner issues will work their way out of us.  It's like a splinter.  It'll work it's way out of your body if you let it.  But if you block it in, press it down, and don't let it out, it'll cause a great infection and pain. 

So today I'm reminding myself to be patient, gentle, and kind to myself.  To not feel badly if (when) my triggers arise again.  When I feel that fear come over me, it's ok.  Just see it as the energy it is, and stay open so that it can move through... at whatever speed it wants. 

That's the thing.  That's what concerned me yesterday -- not that I felt the fear and insecurity, but that it seemed to be sticking around.  It didn't just come up and out in a matter of seconds or minutes.  It stuck around for a good part of the evening.  That's why I felt like I could see the past repeating itself (if I let it).  I could see how before, I "bought into" those feelings of insecurity.  How I attached to them.  How I let them grow, overtake me, become me, and then consequently ruin my relationship. 

I saw it.  And I could see it happening again, if I let it.  That's why I'm grateful to know what I know now.  To have these "tricks" up my sleeve for dealing with this stuff when it comes up.  To be aware and observant.  That truly is the first step to letting go of whatever our triggers and issues are.

***
I had to take a break from writing this blog to do the holiday volunteer time I signed up for today at the animal shelter.  I just got back.  I wanted to add, that the fear that got triggered yesterday didn't fully leave me until about an hour ago (which was around 11am this morning) -- while I was walking a dog through the wooded trails at the shelter. 

Even while typing the rest of this blog this morning, I still felt the remnants of the fear.  I was still telling myself to "Stay Open" and let it out.  Well, I think the movement of the walks, plus the time in nature and with the dogs, helped the last of the fear (for this time) move out of my body.  Because I can report that at this moment, I'm back to being fully at peace and in Love.  I'm no longer bothered by the text from my boyfriend's ex.  It took me longer than I would have liked to get back to this point, but I'm here.  Thankfully. 

So this is what I learned (among other things):  Our deep inner issues will resurface from time to time.  Even though most of the time they may not get to us... most of the time we're not triggered... occasionally we will be.  Even if we don't know why. 

The important thing is to notice it and stay Open.  Stay Open and let it pass through... no matter how long it takes.  Don't close yourself up.  Don't try to "protect" yourself from what you're feeling.  Don't try to control outside circumstances or people because it's not what you want or because it's making you uncomfortable. 

Just relax.  Let it be.  Accept it.  And don't freak out. 

Don't assign additional thoughts and meaning to what you're feeling.  Just let it be the energy that it is.  Let it move through you.  At times it may not feel like it's moving, but if you KEEP your heart open, it will move on out. 

Trust me.  Trust the Universe!