Getting back to Balance

I have been feeling way out of balance for a while now.  I'm working my way back.  And writing this post is one of the first steps.  

When I started my new job almost 3 months ago now, I was ecstatic.  It had been far too long since I had a steady income, or much of an income at all, and I was more than thrilled to have that paycheck coming in again.  I was also excited about the job itself.  What it entails is right up my alley in many ways.  So, as I often do, I dove in, head first.   

I've spent the last 3 months totally immersed in my new job.  There has been a lot to learn.  Now that I'm getting the hang of it, I'm starting to feel more and more overwhelmed.  

It seems it should be the opposite.  Once I got the hang of the new job, I should feel less overwhelmed.  But I'm not.  I finally think I figured it out.  

The reason is this:  When I started, it felt right, and necessary, to devote a large chunk of my time and energy to learning the new job and getting as proficient at it as I could, as quickly as I could.  I didn't mind, and even enjoyed, working extra hours and going the extra mile.  I was learning.  It was new and exciting.  

Now it's not new, and not as exciting, and I noticed that I was still caught in the pattern I had established from day 1:  work, work, work; give, give, give.  I'm already feeling burned out, and it hasn't even been a full 3 months!  

Time to step back, remember my priorities, and establish some boundaries.  

Have you gone so far down a certain path, to the detriment of other parts of your life?  Have you let one area of your life take too much of your time and energy, to the point where there's nothing left for your other priorities?  

That's precisely what I've done.  I miss walking my dogs more regularly.  I miss social time with friends.  And I miss writing.  I miss this blog.  That's why this is part of my first step back to balance. I haven't figured out yet when I'll write my posts... in the morning, evening, or on my lunch break (like right now).  But hopefully I will be able to refocus and re-establish my priorities and direction I want my life to go.  

I like my job, generally speaking.  It's a great job.  But I don't feel that it's my "life's work," if you will.  I don't feel that it's the "end all, be all" for me.  But I DO feel that it could be a good supplement to my life.  A part of my life.  

Now it's just a matter of defining that "part" more clearly, and re-building up other parts that I let slide.  

I think balance is one of the hardest parts of adulthood.  I remember many times growing up when my mom would not open the mail for days, or would get frustrated and overwhelmed at what didn't seem like a big deal to me.  Now I get it.  The older we get, the more parts of our lives we have going on.  It's easy for one part to dominate, whether we intend for that to happen or not.  

In our attempt to "do it all," and stay on top of it all, sometimes things slip.  Sometimes mail goes unopened.  Sometimes calls don't get returned.  Sometimes we lose touch with friends.  It happens. What I used to see as irresponsibility, as a naive, innocent child, I see as LIFE.  

Life is busy.  Life can get chaotic.  Life is full of choices, one after another, sometimes hitting us in the face so quickly we don't know what to do.  I've been there....and not too long ago.  Luckily I feel that I'm on the upswing now.  

Want a tip?  Relax.  

I noticed I felt the most frustrated and overwhelmed when I was trying to do it all, and do it all perfectly.  Make no mistakes.  Miss nothing.  

Well, I've made mistakes.  I've missed stuff.  But you know what?  It's ok.  The world will not end.  The sky will not fall.  

Just relax and do your best.  Not the best you think others want you to do/be.  But YOUR best.  

It's your life, remember?  Sometimes it's easy to forget that.  I know for me, I can easily slip into feeling like I'm living FOR someone else.  For my dogs, for my family, for my clients at work.  But no.  I'm living FOR ME.  As are you.  

When I realized this the other day, I felt a shift inside.  Work, family, friends, other life obligations, can put as many pressures and demands on you as they want.  But it all boils down to YOU.  What do YOU want to do?  How are YOU going to live your life?  

Are you living your life the way you want?  At least as much as you possibly can right now, given your current circumstances?  If not, what small changes can you make to get more to YOUR personal balance point?  

For me that means taking time to write this blog, even if it's during my lunch break at work.  

How are you working at getting back to balance in your life?  Or how have you FOUND balance in your life?  I'd love to hear anything you'd like to share!  

*And hopefully you'll be seeing more frequent and regular posts from now on!  ;) 

Thank you for reading!  Remember, this is the ONLY May 14, 2014 that you will ever have.  How are you doing to use it?  

Are We All Crazy?

I just watched the pilot episode of "The Black Box," a new drama TV show on, I think it's ABC.  Have you seen it?  I found it superbly interesting and thought-provoking.  The main thought it stirred up in me is, "Are we all crazy?"

At least a little crazy?

Do we all have thoughts that are outside the "norm?"  Whatever that norm is for us - where we live, with the people and circumstances that surround us?

I'm pretty sure the answer to these questions is yes.  So why do we all try so hard to hide our crazy?  Why do we try so hard to "blend in" and fit the mold?  To be who and what others expect us to be?

Because we want to fit in.  We want to be accepted.  And we all want to meet and know people who are like us.  So we make an effort to be like other people, or to find common connections.

Fine.  That's all good.  But at what point does that trying to fit in stifle our inner genius?  Stifle our true spirit?  Stifle the greatness we are capable of becoming?

I don't have the answer to that question.  It's a fine line though.  Do you toe the line?  Or are you so far back from the line you can barely see it?  Are you afraid of the line?  And what's on the other side?

I am.  Afraid of what's on the other side, that is.  It's unknown.  Unpredictable.  Will making a certain choice make our life better or worse?   

Life is certainly not a clear cut path.

Today I also read the latest article/blog post by Henri Junttila.  I highly recommend it.  Henri has some great insights on life.  He has a gift, for sure.

But anyway, in his most recent article, he touches on several aspects of life, and building the life you want.  One of which is that life isn't a straight shot.  It's full of twists and turns.  That's nature.  It's us humans who try to force everything into straight, clearly defined paths.  Boxes.  Boundaries.  Rules.  Restrictions.

We try to make "sense" of everything.  Try to predict the future.  "If I do this, will he/she/the Universe do that?"  We try too hard to make the best choices and best decisions, so to set ourselves up for happiness and peace later.

This alone can drive one crazy.

I think when we try to force ourselves into these boxes and live by the expectations of others, we stifle our own passion.  Our true, inner Spirit.  And it sometimes takes a lifetime for a person to step out of those boxes and let go of trying to be "good enough" for someone else.  To let yourself be YOU, crazy and all.

It is scary though, isn't it?  We still want what we want.  Whether that's a certain career, a solid relationship, children.  Whatever it is, there's the fear in our minds that if we let out too much of the crazy... if we give in to that voice too much... we'll lose whatever it is we want.

We're afraid of wrecking things for ourselves.  Of screwing up.  Of not being in control.

Again, I wish I had the answer to all of this.  A formula for how exactly to behave, in order to achieve everything.

But life is nothing if not a risk.  Sure, some say that's what makes it fun.  Me, I'd rather know the future outcomes of the actions I'm considering taking.

I'm not talking anything specific here, but generally.  I don't like surprises.  I believe we all make the best decisions we can with what we know and have at that present moment.  But sometimes we learn something a month later, a week later, or a minute later, that had we known that when we were making our choice, it would have altered things greatly.

This is what I'm talking about.  Life can flip on a dime.  Here's where I feel inclined to type all the standard responses... "Yes, that's why it's important to live in the moment." .... "Don't worry about the past or future, live now, it's all we have." ... "Appreciate what you have right now, don't take it for granted." ... Etc.

Life is a game, ultimately.  We're all trying to figure out what's the best move to make, what card to play.  We can win big, and we can lose big.  Or we can play it "safe," whatever "safe" means to you.

Clearly I'm in a contemplative mood right now.  I'm telling you, check out "The Black Box," and leave a comment with your thoughts.  I'm eager to hear them!

Another thing that immediately puts me in a contemplative mood is the song, My Immortal, by Evanescence.  I'm listening to it on repeat as I type this post.

But back to the post... I think we all have so many parts of ourselves.  Conflicting desires.  Conflicting standards.  That's what makes me feel "crazy" at times, I don't know about you.  When I want one thing, and another, totally contradictory thing, at the same time.  When I know something isn't "good" or "right," yet I find that I want to do it anyway.

I guess the song, "Choices," by George Jones is true, and it's a universal part of all our lives... "Living and dying with the choices I've made."            

Conflicting Feelings

Change stirs things up.  For good or bad.  Usually after a change, big or small, there's  re-settling period.  Finding your new way amid the new circumstances around you.  That's where I'm at now.

I started a new job 3 weeks ago.  I'll start by sharing that I truly love it!  I am honestly excited to go to work every day (seriously!) and love what I do.  I'm looking forward to growing in my job and in the business.

Yesterday I got my first paycheck.  I have to admit, I was thrown.  Surprised.  Disappointed.  I knew what my salary would be.  Obviously that was disclosed upon offering me the position.  But apparently I made a mistake in my calculations regarding what my actual paychecks would be, and it was about $200 less than I anticipated.

It wouldn't be an issue if I was already making well over what I need each month to pay the bills and save a little.  But I'm not.  I sat down last night when I got home and ran some quick numbers.  It was sobering.

For March I'm well below what I need to cover expenses.  But, I only have one paycheck for March, so that is ok.  For April, however, I'm just at, or even still slightly below, what I need.  That was the scary part.  Scary and sad.  I love what I do!  I finally found a job that I genuinely enjoy and feel passionate about.  And it doesn't pay enough.

Once my fiance moves in in May, he'll be splitting all shared household bills 50/50.  So that will help a lot.  At that point I will finally have some cushion.  I'll be able to put some money aside each month for savings and for future desires (home improvements, travel, etc.).

But I can't seem to shake the disappointment.

                                    

Last night I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and everything happens for us, not to us.  I guess it's time for faith in the Universe yet again (is it ever not time for faith in the Universe?).

I think what I'm struggling to accept is I thought when I took this job (or got any job) that all my money worries would be over.  I had been struggling financially for several months, as I wasn't bringing in enough with my writing business.  Hence, the return to traditional employment.  And I assumed that getting a decent-paying job would solve everything.

Well, maybe not everything, but that I certainly wouldn't have to worry about not having enough money.

In my previous professional jobs (ASL interpreter, teacher), I made plenty more than I needed.  I was fairly easily able to build up a nice savings cushion.  And I'm making similar to what I did then.  So what's the difference?

I think it's the lesson that every little bit does count.  Previously I not only had my steady paychecks from my job, but I typically did side jobs for my grandma (which she paid me for), and occasionally other odd jobs to supplement my income.  This time around, at least right now, I have none of that supplemental income.  And I'm starting to see that maybe I need supplemental income.  The hard part, for me, is accepting that fact.

Last night I thought of all the people I know who do supplement their full-time job income.  I've known teachers my whole life who tutor on the side, do other odd jobs, or get summer jobs.  I know a plumber who works full-time for a company, but does jobs for people on the side, in his evening and weekend free time to make extra money.

I'm not sure why it makes me feel better to think about other people working a full-time job and doing something part-time or on the side.  Probably because I feel less alone.  Less like a loser who doesn't make enough money in her full-time job.

Yes, I think that's what I'm struggling with.  I'm proud of my job.  I feel professional.  I feel competent.  I help people.  Then I have the conflicting feelings of not being good enough (i.e. not making enough money).  It's this internal conflict of opposing feelings that I'm not sure what to do with.

                                             

I do know this, though.  It will work out.  It always does.  I will have enough money.  Someway, somehow.  You don't have to know how it'll work out, you just need to believe and remember that it will.

Continue to follow your heart.  Do what makes you happy.  Do what you feel passionate about and proud to do.  The Universe will take care of the rest.

..... Now I'll put that to the test......  

New Job! New Start!

I have a new job!  And I couldn't be more excited about it!!

I will be working as an "Employment Consultant" - matching clients with jobs that fit their interests and abilities.  I really feel like this job is a combination of all the parts that I liked from past jobs, and is very well-suited to my own interests and abilities.  I start on Monday!

I am thrilled to begin my journey down this new path.  However, at times I've slipped into feelings of regret and disappointment.

It's easy to look back and see how you could have handled things differently and better.  Knowing what I know now, there are certainly things I would do differently, if I could go back just a year or two.  At times I've been hard on myself about this.  But it is what it is.  We all have past actions, or non-actions, that we would possibly change if we could.  But we can't... it is what it is... and such is life.  Live and learn.

I'm making a concentrated effort to stay present and focus on the future, not the past.

                       

Another exciting development, apart from my new career, is the return of my joy of writing.

I had mistakenly thought that since I loved writing, I would love to make a living as a writer.  Not all passions can, or should, become our sole source of income.  Feeling the pressure to make a living through writing alone, I felt my passion and joy of writing dwindle.  Before I knew it, I didn't want to write anymore.

                            

Now that I have a new job, I will soon have a steady source of income, I'm also noticing my desire to write slowly return.  New ideas for fiction stories have begun swirling in my head again.  It's a nice feeling.

I'm definitely a believer in action.  How will you know, for sure, if you'll like something, or be good at something, until you do it?  That's been my life philosophy and I believe it's served me well.

I learned many things in the past two and a half years during which time my only job title was "writer."  I learned about myself, as a person.  I learned what kind of writing I actually like to do, and that there are kinds of writing that I don't like.  I learned what it takes to run a business (and that many aspects of that I don't have any interest in doing).

In the past I've taken jobs for granted.  I feel that now I will be much more appreciative of my steady employment.  I've seen the grass on the other side of the fence and it is not greener.  That, I believe, is the most important lesson I've learned through all of this.

Time to embark on a bright, new career path!  Time to remember what I've learned through my past choices, and step forward with confidence and excitement!

The future starts NOW!

             

                         

When Your Dream Shifts

Have you ever had a dream, a passion... pursued it... and it wasn't what you expected?

I've experienced that.

When I worked my last full-time job, two years ago, all I wanted to do was write.

I wrote the majority of my first novel while I still had a full-time job.

I loved writing so much, and I was sure I could "make it" as a writer, I quit that full-time job back in May of 2011.

I was a full-time writer.

Now I'm questioning if that is truly the career path for me.

Writing is still an interest.  Still something I intend on pursuing, on doing.  But once I added the pressure of having to make a living as a writer... I noticed a shift.  I no longer wanted to write.  I felt like I had to write.
So for the past week and a half, I've been seeking traditional employment again.

And honestly, I'm more surprised than anyone that I actually want a traditional, full-time job again.  I never thought I would.  I never thought I'd "go back."

But I don't think of it as "going back."  I'm moving forward.  I'm growing.  Growing up.

It's funny, but I felt it distinctly a couple weeks ago.  Like in that moment, that very second, I grew up.

I've always been a late bloomer.

I'm 36 and just now getting married (I've never felt ready for that committment before).
And I'm 36 and just now feeling ready for a full-time, real, grown-up job.

I remember my first job out of college.  I was a 6th grade teacher.  I often felt like a kid doing a grown up's job.

Now I feel like a grown up.  I've been excited looking for full-time jobs.  I'm excited about the future again.

                                      
                                         
 

Living your Dream is HARD!

Don't be fooled.  It's not always sunshine and rainbows when you're living your dream.

It's normal to have down days and rough times.

You know those moments (or entire days).  You're feeling so low, you don't even know if it's worth it to even continue trying to reach your dream, you consider throwing in the towel and going back to what you know, and what's "easy."

I've been there.  I'm actually sorta there right now, as I type this.

I am happy when others succeed.  I'm happy when others make tons of money, get great rewards and awards, and are recognized.

Really, I am.

And there's also the part of me that's wondering, "When's it gonna be MY turn?!"

I have 4 novels currently published.  And I still get excited to see just one purchase per month.  One!  How about 50?  Or 100?  Or, dare I say, 1,000 buyers of my book?!

I've started writing more non-fiction and working with business clients.  I say "started" because just today I had my first conversation directly with a potential client.  And just today I pushed the "publish" button to publish my non-fiction book on dog fostering on Amazon.  (It should be live in a few days.)

So I'm doing things.  But the results are slow coming.  And sometimes that gets hard.

I just bought a new car yesterday.  Well, new for me.  A used 2009 model.  It's nice though, and I really like it.

The reason I bought a car yesterday is because my old car was having more and more issues starting.  Anytime I went anywhere, I knew it was increasingly likely that I'd be stranded there.

So, it was time.  Time to let that car go.  *tear*  It was the first car I ever bought... a 2002 Hyundai Sonata.  It was my gift to myself upon graduating college.  I had that car for 12 years!

But this post isn't about buying new cars.  I spent the money I had set aside for a new car.  Even though it was ear-marked for a car, it was still the largest chunk of my savings.  Seeing it go bye-bye was a tough pill to swallow.

A leap into the abyss.

Stepping even further out onto that skinny little branch that may snap at any moment.

My savings are now dangerously low.  My "car fund" was my major back-up, financially speaking, should an emergency arise.  Now it's gone.

And today I had a conversation with a potentially big client, and published a new, potentially successful ebook.  Coincidence?
                              

I really do believe what the quote above states.  It's what I proclaim and profess to anyone who'll listen... especially people who are currently unhappy in their jobs, relationships, or life in general.

DO what you want to do with your life.  What are you waiting for?

I'd like to touch on one more thing that I came across today.

It was advice from Jeff Goins.  To paraphrase, he said to not focus on the money.

I know that's certainly easy to say when you don't need money.  Believe me, I'm there too.

But many people go about life seeking the rewards of money, fame, or recognition.  What they then do, is either watered down, or not really them.  It's what they think others want or need from them.

Have you caught yourself doing that?  Living that way?

I know I have.  Take this blog, for instance.  When I started, I pretty much just wrote what was on my mind.  I let a lot of stuff fly, and I think I connected to a lot of people because of it.  But as my audience grew, and I started to really "get serious" about making a living as a writer, I started to reevaluate what I was doing and putting out into the world.

This could be a mistake.

I was trying to do and be what I thought would bring in the money.

What if all you have to do is be you and the money will come on its own?

                      
                      
                  

What Real Love Means

I've been focusing a lot on work and career lately in this blog.  Today I'd like to shift the focus a little, to love and relationships.

I was watching "The Biggest Loser" this week and was totally inspired.  (I often am watching that show, but this time it was for a different reason.)

One of the contestants (I don't remember his name... I often don't remember contestant's names in any of the reality shows I watch), lost his wife years ago.  They had had two children together.  They were very much in love.  She got sick and passed on.

Then some time later he met a new woman.  They fell in love too, got married, and to date have one child together.

Watching about this second wife, and hearing this man talk about her, totally blew me away.

She came into this man's life, completely, 100% full of love.  

Here was this guy, who lost his first love tragically -- they didn't divorce, they didn't have a "bad break-up," there was no bad blood there or bad times whatsoever.  The man still loved his first wife, even after her death.  He said on the show that he always will.

He also has two children from the first wife, who will always be reminders of their relationship and their love.
For most people, this would be a difficult situation to walk into and become a part of.  And granted, this is a TV show, so I realize they don't tell the whole story.

But this man talked about how his current wife came into their lives and brought the love with her.

She worked with the family to remember the children's mother fondly.

She didn't compare herself, get jealous, try to "take over."  She loved the circumstances for what they were.  She knew there was no need for comparison.  Her role was different.

I know I may be hypothesizing here, but that's ok.  This woman is an inspiration.  A model of love and compassion.  And I learned something from her by watching the clip on the TV show.

There is no reason to be jealous of anyone else.  To be insecure.  To compare yourself to someone else.

We're all different.  And we're ALL Love.

We all are right where we're supposed to be.  With who we're supposed to be with.

We all have lessons to learn, areas to grow in, and ways we can improve.

But ultimately, our only job is to be ourselves... and that self is 100% Love.

I have a quote on the board in my bathroom that says, "What would Love do?"

I forget who said it, but it's a great reminder.

We all have egos, and sometimes those egos can get out of control.  They can try to take over and run our lives.  When that happens, just remind yourself to let it go (whatever "it" is), relax, and tap back into the Love center of yourself.

When you find yourself acting in fear -- and any action that comes from any place of insecurity or negative emotions is fear -- ask yourself the question, "What would Love do?"

Then do that.