Saturday, March 22, 2014

Conflicting Feelings

Change stirs things up.  For good or bad.  Usually after a change, big or small, there's  re-settling period.  Finding your new way amid the new circumstances around you.  That's where I'm at now.

I started a new job 3 weeks ago.  I'll start by sharing that I truly love it!  I am honestly excited to go to work every day (seriously!) and love what I do.  I'm looking forward to growing in my job and in the business.

Yesterday I got my first paycheck.  I have to admit, I was thrown.  Surprised.  Disappointed.  I knew what my salary would be.  Obviously that was disclosed upon offering me the position.  But apparently I made a mistake in my calculations regarding what my actual paychecks would be, and it was about $200 less than I anticipated.

It wouldn't be an issue if I was already making well over what I need each month to pay the bills and save a little.  But I'm not.  I sat down last night when I got home and ran some quick numbers.  It was sobering.

For March I'm well below what I need to cover expenses.  But, I only have one paycheck for March, so that is ok.  For April, however, I'm just at, or even still slightly below, what I need.  That was the scary part.  Scary and sad.  I love what I do!  I finally found a job that I genuinely enjoy and feel passionate about.  And it doesn't pay enough.

Once my fiance moves in in May, he'll be splitting all shared household bills 50/50.  So that will help a lot.  At that point I will finally have some cushion.  I'll be able to put some money aside each month for savings and for future desires (home improvements, travel, etc.).

But I can't seem to shake the disappointment.


Last night I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and everything happens for us, not to us.  I guess it's time for faith in the Universe yet again (is it ever not time for faith in the Universe?).

I think what I'm struggling to accept is I thought when I took this job (or got any job) that all my money worries would be over.  I had been struggling financially for several months, as I wasn't bringing in enough with my writing business.  Hence, the return to traditional employment.  And I assumed that getting a decent-paying job would solve everything.

Well, maybe not everything, but that I certainly wouldn't have to worry about not having enough money.

In my previous professional jobs (ASL interpreter, teacher), I made plenty more than I needed.  I was fairly easily able to build up a nice savings cushion.  And I'm making similar to what I did then.  So what's the difference?

I think it's the lesson that every little bit does count.  Previously I not only had my steady paychecks from my job, but I typically did side jobs for my grandma (which she paid me for), and occasionally other odd jobs to supplement my income.  This time around, at least right now, I have none of that supplemental income.  And I'm starting to see that maybe I need supplemental income.  The hard part, for me, is accepting that fact.

Last night I thought of all the people I know who do supplement their full-time job income.  I've known teachers my whole life who tutor on the side, do other odd jobs, or get summer jobs.  I know a plumber who works full-time for a company, but does jobs for people on the side, in his evening and weekend free time to make extra money.

I'm not sure why it makes me feel better to think about other people working a full-time job and doing something part-time or on the side.  Probably because I feel less alone.  Less like a loser who doesn't make enough money in her full-time job.

Yes, I think that's what I'm struggling with.  I'm proud of my job.  I feel professional.  I feel competent.  I help people.  Then I have the conflicting feelings of not being good enough (i.e. not making enough money).  It's this internal conflict of opposing feelings that I'm not sure what to do with.


I do know this, though.  It will work out.  It always does.  I will have enough money.  Someway, somehow.  You don't have to know how it'll work out, you just need to believe and remember that it will.

Continue to follow your heart.  Do what makes you happy.  Do what you feel passionate about and proud to do.  The Universe will take care of the rest.

..... Now I'll put that to the test......