A lot of stuff came up and out for me last night. A. Lot.
I watched as deeply held false beliefs came to the surface and floated away. What made all the difference was my new knowledge from "The Untethered Soul." As I was in the throes of anxiety and fear, I recalled Michael Singer's words and teachings.
"You'll never be free from problems until you are free from the part within that has so many problems. When a problem is disturbing, don't ask, 'What should I do about this?' Ask, 'What part of me is being disturbed by this?'" (Singer p. 15).
I did just that. The fear came up because my boyfriend told me he was going to maybe meet his ex-wife (and maybe others) for a drink after work tomorrow (today). I was more than welcome to go, if I wanted to.
After he left, I, of course, was thinking about it. I couldn't deny the feelings I felt, and didn't want to. I reminded myself to "Stay Open" and just let the emotions and feelings pass through me.
But I couldn't seem to shake the fear. What was I so afraid of??? I had no idea. That's when I asked myself Singer's question: "What part of me is feeling this way?" I wanted to figure it out!
At first no answer came. I was just encompassed in the fear. So I asked a second time. And then the answer rose to the surface.... from deep, deep within.
"I felt unloved when my father left me and my mom when I was just a young child." (He left when I was just a year or two old, so I don't remember him actually leaving, but that doesn't mean I didn't experience it.)
That was it. I don't know how I didn't make the connection before, but I didn't. I thought I had worked through all the "stuff" in regards to my biological father not being around. But this belief was so deep, I didn't see it. I mistook it for other issues. But this is the core. I felt it.
My boyfriend wanting to spend time with his ex triggered the false belief of feeling unloved.
It's funny, because I knew I felt unloved by his talking to her, though I didn't know why. His communicating with her in any way doesn't change his feelings for me. She is no threat to me, my relationship, or what he and I have. I know that. Yet, I felt immense fear surrounding her.
Now I see, clearly, that my fear has/had nothing to do with her. Or my boyfriend. It goes all the way back to my early, early years and feeling afraid I wasn't loved, I wasn't lovable. My father left me, after all, what else was I supposed to believe?
A cool part of my breakthrough experience last night was I noticed the distinct separation between my Spirit Self and my human self who was feeling the feelings.
My Spirit Self was perfectly calm and at peace. The voice I heard from that place was gentle, loving, and calm. When my human self sobbed and said I didn't feel loved, my Spirit Self reminded myself that I am loved, and I am Love.
I cried a lot. Then the tears just stopped. Just like that. It was like all that ickiness had to be released, and once it was, it was gone.
After all that, I wrote about the experience in my journal, then just sat on my couch, feeling open and free. It was the coolest, and strangest, feeling. I thought about the possibility of seeing my boyfriend's ex tomorrow (today) and wasn't bothered one bit. No amount of anxiety or fear whatsoever. Now, that's not to say more fear won't come up in the future (even as early as tonight when/if we're face-to-face), but I know for sure that a TON of stuff was brought up and let go last night. A MAJOR blockage was released!
"If you truly want to grow spiritually, you'll realize that keeping your stuff is keeping you trapped....[R]ealize that life is actually trying to help you. Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth," (Singer p. 74).
I always knew my boyfriend, and him having an ex-wife, was for my own good. I still resisted it though, and couldn't figure out how to "get past it." I was stuck in the fear trap. I avoided instead of accepted. I closed instead of opened. Now I know better. And this feels so much better!
"If you don't solve the root cause of the problem, but instead, attempt to protect yourself from the problem, it ends up running your life," (Singer p. 83).
I truly feel that until now, I didn't get to the root cause of the problem. I didn't trace it all the way back to my first couple of years of life. I knew I felt insecure, but left it at that. I thought that was it. It wasn't. That's why I kept circling around the issue. Why Life kept presenting me with opportunities to see it, and let it go.
Another "trick" I used last night when I was in the midst of the pain and fear, was to remind myself that I am Spirit. That's the "real me." This helped me "separate myself" from the fear and pain I was feeling, and helped me see what I needed to see.
"How do you free yourself? In the deepest sense, you free yourself by finding yourself. You are not the pain you feel, nor are you the part that periodically stresses out. None of these disturbances have anything to do with you. You are the one who notices these things," (Singer p. 85).
I had felt free, or freer, when I read "The Untethered Soul" the first time. And I felt another level of that freedom last night. It's exciting!
"Once you learn that it's okay to feel inner disturbances, and they can no longer disturb your seat of consciousness, you will be free....[Y]ou can walk in this world and the world will never touch you. That's how you become a free being -- you transcend," (Singer p. 87).
"You can wake up in the morning, look forward to the day, and not worry about what will happen....[Y]ou can just enjoy all of it....You just live your life without getting uptight and worrying about it. You actually live life instead of fearing or fighting it," (Singer p. 94).
"Over time you will form an intensely personal relationship with this beautiful inner force. It will replace the relationship you have with your inner pain and disturbance. Now peace and love will run your life," (Singer p. 107).
Now, doesn't that sound amazing?!
May we all continue learning, growing, letting go, and transcending!
Your partner in transcension...