What's Your Mess?

I'm reading a new book right now - "Everybody's Got Something," by Robin Roberts.  I'm only a few chapters in, but it's very interesting and if you're looking for a motivational, inspirational book, I recommend this one!

One line (so far) really jumped out at me from the book.  "Make your mess your message."  Robin writes that that was something her mother used to say.

I think that's a profound way to live one's life.  We all have "something."  Whether we were abused as children (or adults), lived through foster homes, survived growing up with an alcoholic parent, had a spouse that left us, find out that we can't bear children... whatever that "something" is, we all have it.  And instead of brushing it aside or trying to push it down or ignore it, why not make it your message?

I'm sure you've seen people whose lives are changed and shaped by a certain circumstance in their life.  For example, parents whose child has a rare illness or disease make it their life's purpose and mission to raise money to try to find a cure.  If they hadn't had the child they had, they likely never would have jumped into that cause.

I remember a convocation I attended when I was teaching.  It was a guy who was born without arms or legs.  That was his "mess" in his life.  But he made it his message by touring the country and showing young people that they can do whatever they want in their lives, no matter what perceived limitations they may have to deal with along the way.

Your "mess" may not be as extensive as being born without limbs, or surviving an abusive childhood.  Mine isn't.  Mine, I believe, is that I've held such a wide variety of jobs in a variety of industries.  More than anything else, it seems that's what makes me different from other people I meet.

When I meet someone new and we're having that common conversation of what you do for a living, my story inevitably includes a variety of things, or a comment about how "now" I am ______, but I "used to" ______.  I've never had a simple answer to "What do you do?"

And when I tell people my story, briefly in that early conversation, the typical response I get is one of surprise or "Oh, I could never do that."  Meaning, they could never switch jobs like I have, or switch career fields.  Even if they're unhappy in what they're currently doing or have done in the past.

It's baffling to me, and I suspect some of my readers are more like me in that you DO understand how to "jump ship" and try something totally new and different.  In fact, I know some of you have done just that.  But the vast majority of the people in the world don't seem to be like that.  They seem to get into a career or go down a job path, and stick with it.  Through good times and bad.  They just stay on the path they're on, or perhaps shift it very slightly.

Anyway... when I read that line in Robin Roberts' book, that's what came to mind for me.  My "mess" is never having settled into a steady career path, and always feeling the desire and urge to do something new and different.  Ever since college, I envied people who seemed to really fit into their chosen career path.  They loved it.  They were passionate about it.  They got into it and stuck with it for the long-term.  I've never felt that way.  I've had many "false starts."  Many careers and jobs along the way that I thought were "my path."  Only to have that familiar urge to move on return a few weeks, months, or years later.

I'm realizing now that that is probably my message.  My message that if I can do it, you can too.  That you don't have to feel stuck in any job or career path.  If you want to do something different, you can!  That was part of my impetus when I started this blog.  Because I wanted to share that message with as many people as I could.

I'm still working on how to hone it even more, and how to get my message out to even more people.  But life is a work in progress.  For everyone.

What's your "mess?"  What is it about your life that is unique or challenging?  The challenges are here to teach us something.  And maybe part of what they're here to teach us is that it's our job to teach others, and help others who are going through the same thing.  

So I'll ask again... What's your "mess?"  How can you make it your message?

In peace and love,
Sarah

 

"I Want To" vs. "I Should"

Do you often struggle with what you WANT to do versus what you feel you SHOULD do?  I think it's certainly a normal part of life.  And unfortunately, it seems, our "wants" don't always match up to our "shoulds."

This has been a point of struggle for me in recent years.  I still don't have the answer.  I'm still trying to balance following my heart, my passion, and my interests... and being "smart" and responsible.

For example:  I WANT to be a full-time fiction writer.  And I SHOULD work a full-time job with a steady paycheck.

I'm still hoping that one day those two will merge.  One day my fiction writing WILL provide the steady, abundant paycheck I need to live on.  But the present reality is, it doesn't.

What dreams, desires, goals, or wants do you have for yourself that currently conflict with your shoulds?  How are you dealing with that?

I believe in the power of our thoughts.  I believe that what we think, eventually comes to pass, in one way or another.  That's why I'm so reticent to "resign" myself to thinking, "Oh, I just have to work a steady job for that steady paycheck."  I know there are other ways to make a living than working a steady, traditional job.  So I continue to work on my thoughts and beliefs around that matter.

Likewise, HOW we think about something can make all the difference.

I "should" just keep working at my job, bringing in the steady paycheck, enjoying the benefits.
I WANT to continue working at my job so I CAN bring in the steady paycheck and pay all my bills!

Call me crazy, but I like having a house to live in.  I like having a car to drive.  I like cable television, cell phones, and internet.  I also like to eat, and I like to provide for my animals.  These LIKES require money to fund them.  And I LIKE making money.  My money SOURCE right now is my traditional job.  I'm grateful for it.  I'm thankful I HAVE a job that allows me to have these things I like and want.

It wasn't too long ago that that wasn't the case.  Just 3 months ago I didn't have a job.  I was on the tail end of my "copywriting career," if you could call it that.  It never got off the ground, really.  I made a go of it, it didn't work out, and that's just how it is.  I was nearly out of savings and had no clue what I would do for money after I ran out.  Then came this job.

I was ecstatic when I got it.  I wrote a post on that too.  I have noticed myself, though, slipping back into the "have to" of my job.  I "have to" go to work.  I "have to" do ______.

Remember though, it's all about HOW we think about stuff and the words we use.  Words carry feeling behind them.

I "have to" go to work can become "I WANT to go to work because I LIKE receiving the paycheck every other Friday, and I LIKE watching my savings go UP instead of down!"

I'm still going to piggy-back on my post yesterday and say that I believe we should all continue following our hearts and pursuing our passions.  Giving up on your passions, stopping chasing your dreams, that's virtually the end of LIFE if you ask me.  At least the end of the fun part of life!

So don't give up your dreams.  Don't stop pursuing what you ultimately would LOVE to do with and in your life.  But also practice being grateful for what you have and where you are RIGHT NOW.

It's all a stepping stone.  Your place in life as you read this isn't (most likely) your final spot.  It's not the end of the road, the last stop on the train.  The road goes on.  Farther than the eye can see. The train has more stops.  Just hang on.  Keep going.

Appreciate your present station in life, and USE it to get to the next station.

Enjoy the ride!  WANT to live your life to the fullest and WANT to be your best self, wherever you are!

Peace and love to you.

Sarah

Getting back to Balance

I have been feeling way out of balance for a while now.  I'm working my way back.  And writing this post is one of the first steps.  

When I started my new job almost 3 months ago now, I was ecstatic.  It had been far too long since I had a steady income, or much of an income at all, and I was more than thrilled to have that paycheck coming in again.  I was also excited about the job itself.  What it entails is right up my alley in many ways.  So, as I often do, I dove in, head first.   

I've spent the last 3 months totally immersed in my new job.  There has been a lot to learn.  Now that I'm getting the hang of it, I'm starting to feel more and more overwhelmed.  

It seems it should be the opposite.  Once I got the hang of the new job, I should feel less overwhelmed.  But I'm not.  I finally think I figured it out.  

The reason is this:  When I started, it felt right, and necessary, to devote a large chunk of my time and energy to learning the new job and getting as proficient at it as I could, as quickly as I could.  I didn't mind, and even enjoyed, working extra hours and going the extra mile.  I was learning.  It was new and exciting.  

Now it's not new, and not as exciting, and I noticed that I was still caught in the pattern I had established from day 1:  work, work, work; give, give, give.  I'm already feeling burned out, and it hasn't even been a full 3 months!  

Time to step back, remember my priorities, and establish some boundaries.  

Have you gone so far down a certain path, to the detriment of other parts of your life?  Have you let one area of your life take too much of your time and energy, to the point where there's nothing left for your other priorities?  

That's precisely what I've done.  I miss walking my dogs more regularly.  I miss social time with friends.  And I miss writing.  I miss this blog.  That's why this is part of my first step back to balance. I haven't figured out yet when I'll write my posts... in the morning, evening, or on my lunch break (like right now).  But hopefully I will be able to refocus and re-establish my priorities and direction I want my life to go.  

I like my job, generally speaking.  It's a great job.  But I don't feel that it's my "life's work," if you will.  I don't feel that it's the "end all, be all" for me.  But I DO feel that it could be a good supplement to my life.  A part of my life.  

Now it's just a matter of defining that "part" more clearly, and re-building up other parts that I let slide.  

I think balance is one of the hardest parts of adulthood.  I remember many times growing up when my mom would not open the mail for days, or would get frustrated and overwhelmed at what didn't seem like a big deal to me.  Now I get it.  The older we get, the more parts of our lives we have going on.  It's easy for one part to dominate, whether we intend for that to happen or not.  

In our attempt to "do it all," and stay on top of it all, sometimes things slip.  Sometimes mail goes unopened.  Sometimes calls don't get returned.  Sometimes we lose touch with friends.  It happens. What I used to see as irresponsibility, as a naive, innocent child, I see as LIFE.  

Life is busy.  Life can get chaotic.  Life is full of choices, one after another, sometimes hitting us in the face so quickly we don't know what to do.  I've been there....and not too long ago.  Luckily I feel that I'm on the upswing now.  

Want a tip?  Relax.  

I noticed I felt the most frustrated and overwhelmed when I was trying to do it all, and do it all perfectly.  Make no mistakes.  Miss nothing.  

Well, I've made mistakes.  I've missed stuff.  But you know what?  It's ok.  The world will not end.  The sky will not fall.  

Just relax and do your best.  Not the best you think others want you to do/be.  But YOUR best.  

It's your life, remember?  Sometimes it's easy to forget that.  I know for me, I can easily slip into feeling like I'm living FOR someone else.  For my dogs, for my family, for my clients at work.  But no.  I'm living FOR ME.  As are you.  

When I realized this the other day, I felt a shift inside.  Work, family, friends, other life obligations, can put as many pressures and demands on you as they want.  But it all boils down to YOU.  What do YOU want to do?  How are YOU going to live your life?  

Are you living your life the way you want?  At least as much as you possibly can right now, given your current circumstances?  If not, what small changes can you make to get more to YOUR personal balance point?  

For me that means taking time to write this blog, even if it's during my lunch break at work.  

How are you working at getting back to balance in your life?  Or how have you FOUND balance in your life?  I'd love to hear anything you'd like to share!  

*And hopefully you'll be seeing more frequent and regular posts from now on!  ;) 

Thank you for reading!  Remember, this is the ONLY May 14, 2014 that you will ever have.  How are you doing to use it?  

Are We All Crazy?

I just watched the pilot episode of "The Black Box," a new drama TV show on, I think it's ABC.  Have you seen it?  I found it superbly interesting and thought-provoking.  The main thought it stirred up in me is, "Are we all crazy?"

At least a little crazy?

Do we all have thoughts that are outside the "norm?"  Whatever that norm is for us - where we live, with the people and circumstances that surround us?

I'm pretty sure the answer to these questions is yes.  So why do we all try so hard to hide our crazy?  Why do we try so hard to "blend in" and fit the mold?  To be who and what others expect us to be?

Because we want to fit in.  We want to be accepted.  And we all want to meet and know people who are like us.  So we make an effort to be like other people, or to find common connections.

Fine.  That's all good.  But at what point does that trying to fit in stifle our inner genius?  Stifle our true spirit?  Stifle the greatness we are capable of becoming?

I don't have the answer to that question.  It's a fine line though.  Do you toe the line?  Or are you so far back from the line you can barely see it?  Are you afraid of the line?  And what's on the other side?

I am.  Afraid of what's on the other side, that is.  It's unknown.  Unpredictable.  Will making a certain choice make our life better or worse?   

Life is certainly not a clear cut path.

Today I also read the latest article/blog post by Henri Junttila.  I highly recommend it.  Henri has some great insights on life.  He has a gift, for sure.

But anyway, in his most recent article, he touches on several aspects of life, and building the life you want.  One of which is that life isn't a straight shot.  It's full of twists and turns.  That's nature.  It's us humans who try to force everything into straight, clearly defined paths.  Boxes.  Boundaries.  Rules.  Restrictions.

We try to make "sense" of everything.  Try to predict the future.  "If I do this, will he/she/the Universe do that?"  We try too hard to make the best choices and best decisions, so to set ourselves up for happiness and peace later.

This alone can drive one crazy.

I think when we try to force ourselves into these boxes and live by the expectations of others, we stifle our own passion.  Our true, inner Spirit.  And it sometimes takes a lifetime for a person to step out of those boxes and let go of trying to be "good enough" for someone else.  To let yourself be YOU, crazy and all.

It is scary though, isn't it?  We still want what we want.  Whether that's a certain career, a solid relationship, children.  Whatever it is, there's the fear in our minds that if we let out too much of the crazy... if we give in to that voice too much... we'll lose whatever it is we want.

We're afraid of wrecking things for ourselves.  Of screwing up.  Of not being in control.

Again, I wish I had the answer to all of this.  A formula for how exactly to behave, in order to achieve everything.

But life is nothing if not a risk.  Sure, some say that's what makes it fun.  Me, I'd rather know the future outcomes of the actions I'm considering taking.

I'm not talking anything specific here, but generally.  I don't like surprises.  I believe we all make the best decisions we can with what we know and have at that present moment.  But sometimes we learn something a month later, a week later, or a minute later, that had we known that when we were making our choice, it would have altered things greatly.

This is what I'm talking about.  Life can flip on a dime.  Here's where I feel inclined to type all the standard responses... "Yes, that's why it's important to live in the moment." .... "Don't worry about the past or future, live now, it's all we have." ... "Appreciate what you have right now, don't take it for granted." ... Etc.

Life is a game, ultimately.  We're all trying to figure out what's the best move to make, what card to play.  We can win big, and we can lose big.  Or we can play it "safe," whatever "safe" means to you.

Clearly I'm in a contemplative mood right now.  I'm telling you, check out "The Black Box," and leave a comment with your thoughts.  I'm eager to hear them!

Another thing that immediately puts me in a contemplative mood is the song, My Immortal, by Evanescence.  I'm listening to it on repeat as I type this post.

But back to the post... I think we all have so many parts of ourselves.  Conflicting desires.  Conflicting standards.  That's what makes me feel "crazy" at times, I don't know about you.  When I want one thing, and another, totally contradictory thing, at the same time.  When I know something isn't "good" or "right," yet I find that I want to do it anyway.

I guess the song, "Choices," by George Jones is true, and it's a universal part of all our lives... "Living and dying with the choices I've made."            

Conflicting Feelings

Change stirs things up.  For good or bad.  Usually after a change, big or small, there's  re-settling period.  Finding your new way amid the new circumstances around you.  That's where I'm at now.

I started a new job 3 weeks ago.  I'll start by sharing that I truly love it!  I am honestly excited to go to work every day (seriously!) and love what I do.  I'm looking forward to growing in my job and in the business.

Yesterday I got my first paycheck.  I have to admit, I was thrown.  Surprised.  Disappointed.  I knew what my salary would be.  Obviously that was disclosed upon offering me the position.  But apparently I made a mistake in my calculations regarding what my actual paychecks would be, and it was about $200 less than I anticipated.

It wouldn't be an issue if I was already making well over what I need each month to pay the bills and save a little.  But I'm not.  I sat down last night when I got home and ran some quick numbers.  It was sobering.

For March I'm well below what I need to cover expenses.  But, I only have one paycheck for March, so that is ok.  For April, however, I'm just at, or even still slightly below, what I need.  That was the scary part.  Scary and sad.  I love what I do!  I finally found a job that I genuinely enjoy and feel passionate about.  And it doesn't pay enough.

Once my fiance moves in in May, he'll be splitting all shared household bills 50/50.  So that will help a lot.  At that point I will finally have some cushion.  I'll be able to put some money aside each month for savings and for future desires (home improvements, travel, etc.).

But I can't seem to shake the disappointment.

                                    

Last night I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and everything happens for us, not to us.  I guess it's time for faith in the Universe yet again (is it ever not time for faith in the Universe?).

I think what I'm struggling to accept is I thought when I took this job (or got any job) that all my money worries would be over.  I had been struggling financially for several months, as I wasn't bringing in enough with my writing business.  Hence, the return to traditional employment.  And I assumed that getting a decent-paying job would solve everything.

Well, maybe not everything, but that I certainly wouldn't have to worry about not having enough money.

In my previous professional jobs (ASL interpreter, teacher), I made plenty more than I needed.  I was fairly easily able to build up a nice savings cushion.  And I'm making similar to what I did then.  So what's the difference?

I think it's the lesson that every little bit does count.  Previously I not only had my steady paychecks from my job, but I typically did side jobs for my grandma (which she paid me for), and occasionally other odd jobs to supplement my income.  This time around, at least right now, I have none of that supplemental income.  And I'm starting to see that maybe I need supplemental income.  The hard part, for me, is accepting that fact.

Last night I thought of all the people I know who do supplement their full-time job income.  I've known teachers my whole life who tutor on the side, do other odd jobs, or get summer jobs.  I know a plumber who works full-time for a company, but does jobs for people on the side, in his evening and weekend free time to make extra money.

I'm not sure why it makes me feel better to think about other people working a full-time job and doing something part-time or on the side.  Probably because I feel less alone.  Less like a loser who doesn't make enough money in her full-time job.

Yes, I think that's what I'm struggling with.  I'm proud of my job.  I feel professional.  I feel competent.  I help people.  Then I have the conflicting feelings of not being good enough (i.e. not making enough money).  It's this internal conflict of opposing feelings that I'm not sure what to do with.

                                             

I do know this, though.  It will work out.  It always does.  I will have enough money.  Someway, somehow.  You don't have to know how it'll work out, you just need to believe and remember that it will.

Continue to follow your heart.  Do what makes you happy.  Do what you feel passionate about and proud to do.  The Universe will take care of the rest.

..... Now I'll put that to the test......  

New Job! New Start!

I have a new job!  And I couldn't be more excited about it!!

I will be working as an "Employment Consultant" - matching clients with jobs that fit their interests and abilities.  I really feel like this job is a combination of all the parts that I liked from past jobs, and is very well-suited to my own interests and abilities.  I start on Monday!

I am thrilled to begin my journey down this new path.  However, at times I've slipped into feelings of regret and disappointment.

It's easy to look back and see how you could have handled things differently and better.  Knowing what I know now, there are certainly things I would do differently, if I could go back just a year or two.  At times I've been hard on myself about this.  But it is what it is.  We all have past actions, or non-actions, that we would possibly change if we could.  But we can't... it is what it is... and such is life.  Live and learn.

I'm making a concentrated effort to stay present and focus on the future, not the past.

                       

Another exciting development, apart from my new career, is the return of my joy of writing.

I had mistakenly thought that since I loved writing, I would love to make a living as a writer.  Not all passions can, or should, become our sole source of income.  Feeling the pressure to make a living through writing alone, I felt my passion and joy of writing dwindle.  Before I knew it, I didn't want to write anymore.

                            

Now that I have a new job, I will soon have a steady source of income, I'm also noticing my desire to write slowly return.  New ideas for fiction stories have begun swirling in my head again.  It's a nice feeling.

I'm definitely a believer in action.  How will you know, for sure, if you'll like something, or be good at something, until you do it?  That's been my life philosophy and I believe it's served me well.

I learned many things in the past two and a half years during which time my only job title was "writer."  I learned about myself, as a person.  I learned what kind of writing I actually like to do, and that there are kinds of writing that I don't like.  I learned what it takes to run a business (and that many aspects of that I don't have any interest in doing).

In the past I've taken jobs for granted.  I feel that now I will be much more appreciative of my steady employment.  I've seen the grass on the other side of the fence and it is not greener.  That, I believe, is the most important lesson I've learned through all of this.

Time to embark on a bright, new career path!  Time to remember what I've learned through my past choices, and step forward with confidence and excitement!

The future starts NOW!

             

                         

When Your Dream Shifts

Have you ever had a dream, a passion... pursued it... and it wasn't what you expected?

I've experienced that.

When I worked my last full-time job, two years ago, all I wanted to do was write.

I wrote the majority of my first novel while I still had a full-time job.

I loved writing so much, and I was sure I could "make it" as a writer, I quit that full-time job back in May of 2011.

I was a full-time writer.

Now I'm questioning if that is truly the career path for me.

Writing is still an interest.  Still something I intend on pursuing, on doing.  But once I added the pressure of having to make a living as a writer... I noticed a shift.  I no longer wanted to write.  I felt like I had to write.
So for the past week and a half, I've been seeking traditional employment again.

And honestly, I'm more surprised than anyone that I actually want a traditional, full-time job again.  I never thought I would.  I never thought I'd "go back."

But I don't think of it as "going back."  I'm moving forward.  I'm growing.  Growing up.

It's funny, but I felt it distinctly a couple weeks ago.  Like in that moment, that very second, I grew up.

I've always been a late bloomer.

I'm 36 and just now getting married (I've never felt ready for that committment before).
And I'm 36 and just now feeling ready for a full-time, real, grown-up job.

I remember my first job out of college.  I was a 6th grade teacher.  I often felt like a kid doing a grown up's job.

Now I feel like a grown up.  I've been excited looking for full-time jobs.  I'm excited about the future again.