Don't Defend Yourself

Do you tend to get defensive when someone challenges you, or you feel is attacking you or your beliefs?  If you don't respond this way, I'm sure you know other people who do.  It's very common.  I'm here to tell you there's another way.  You can choose NOT to defend yourself and to live in Peace instead! 

                                                        

Think about it.  What are you defending anyway?  If someone says something to you that goes against something you believe or think, and you respond defensively, you're defending your thoughts and beliefs. 

And what are our thoughts and beliefs?  They are what we identify with.  Who we think we are.  In essence, they are walls we build around our Spirits. 

Why are our thoughts and beliefs walls?  Because they limit us.  They keep others out and keep us in. 

We can use our thoughts for good, certainly.  But the most peaceful place lies outside our thoughts. 

Our fears lie within our thoughts and beliefs.  That's why the walls are best to knock down.  Let go of the fears.  Don't tie yourself so tightly in your thoughts and beliefs because ultimately, that's not you. 

But we build these walls, that are our fears, from our thoughts and beliefs.  And if we want to truly be free and at peace, we need to knock down those walls. 

"Let's say something happens that activates these old feelings of fear, and you decide to walk right toward it.  The closer you get, the more you will have the urge to pull back....[T]hat's what we do with walls; we avoid running into them....They become your prison because they are the boundaries of your awareness.  Because you are not willing to approach them, you cannot see what is beyond them....[E]very day, the natural flow of life collides with our walls and tries to tear them down.  But time and again, we defend them....[W]hen you defend yourself, you are really defending your walls," (Singer, p. 116, "The Untethered Soul").

Responding defensively is a very ego-minded way to respond.  That's why it's best, if you can, when you feel yourself being challenged, and the ego is raring up ready to shout out all kinds of defenses, to just let it go.  Keep your mouth shut.  Rise above the ego, and get behind your thoughts.  They're just thoughts anyway.  They're not you.  They're not your Spirit. 

So what if someone thinks something you vehemently disagree with.  It doesn't affect your Spirit.  Your Spirit is in Peace and Love at all times.  I don't know about you, but that sounds like a place I'd much rather be than getting upset and offended in my ego. 

I'm not saying this is easy.  Certain issues can be very triggering for us.  But it's worth the effort.  And if you, or I, slip and get defensive and irritated, it's ok.  Relax and get back on track. 

Another thing I've learned from Michael Singer is to not berate myself for feeling "negative" feelings.  Don't get irritated with myself if I feel jealous, insecure, afraid, self-righteous.  Accept that those feelings will likely come up from time to time.  Just let them go right on by.  No need to get mad at yourself for feeling normal, human emotions. 

I caught myself doing this the other day.  I don't recall what it was in detail, but I remember feeling something like self-righteous, thinking I knew best and whatever the other person was doing was wrong.  Then I realized what I was doing.  And I felt bad.  I had a few moments of saying, "You shouldn't be thinking that way.  You shouldn't feel that way.  You know better now.  It's not good to be that way."  Then I caught myself again and was kinder and gentler with myself.  I released all judgment -- for myself and the other person.  And the situation passed right on by.  So much so that I don't even remember what it was right now. 

So when Singer proclaims in his book that the way to true peace is to let feelings/emotions/thoughts come up, and then release them, I can now attest that that's true.  That's how it works.   

Trying to not feel certain things isn't the answer.  Feel them.  Then let them go.  Don't identify with the feelings or attach thoughts to them.  Recognize the feeling, and watch it float away.
                                  

  

"Who am I?"

I actually started this blog post several weeks ago.  But I had other blog posts I wanted to write more, so this was saved as a draft.  And I think it fits perfectly following my post yesterday, and the past few about "The Untethered Soul" and everything I'm learning from that. 

I read Hillary Pike's blog entry on The Daily Love about an experience she had while traveling in India and climbing a mountain.  She was hours up this hill/mountain in India and gets bitten by some insect.  Her knee is very swollen and not knowing what bit her, she's scared.  "What if it's something poisonous?  What if I die?" 

But then she surrendered.  She saw clearly (or remembered) that she was not her physical body, and if she was meant to die right there on the mountain in India, it would be so.  She didn't die, but I found her "letting go" and surrendering to the Universe's plan so beautiful.  How many of us would have been so graceful and peaceful in the face of such a scary experience?     

                                                          

What Hillary learned, or perhaps already knew, and what I'm learning is not to attach to the fear.  Fearful thoughts will run through our minds.  "Will he/she leave me?"  "What if they laugh at me?"  "What if I fail?"  "What if I make a fool of myself?"  "What if I die?"  But these thoughts are not us. 

"Go behind your thoughts" is something Michael Singer says in "The Untethered Soul."  I've been practicing that myself, telling myself to go "behind" my thoughts when I'm feeling anxious or fearful of something.  And it works!  I'm able to step back, in a sense, and observe my fear-based thoughts, instead of sitting in them.

That's the goal, I think.  To observe our ego nature and our fear-based selves.  And recognize that that is not us.  That we can feel those feelings, let them pass through us, and not let them create drama or upset us.

 Back to Hillary surrendering on the mountain and remembering that she is not her physical body.  I had an experience (not a near-death one) myself growing up, where I knew in an instant that I was not my physical body.      

I remember looking in a mirror after using the bathroom or something.  I was a young kid...middle school maybe, even older elementary... I really don't remember when it actually happened.  But I remember looking in the mirror into my own eyes and asking, "Who am I?"  And it was the weirdest feeling -- I suddenly felt separate from my body.  Like I knew right then that I was some Spirit inside the body I was looking at.  I was not the body itself. 

                                                 

I remember feeling a little freaked out at the time.  And I remember telling my best friend about it and she seemed to get what I was talking about.  After that initial experience I could "do it" any time. All I had to do was look in the mirror and into my eyes.  I got used to it over time and it didn't freak me out so much.  But I still thought it was a little weird and didn't quite understand what was going on.

"Is this ME?"  "THIS is ME?"  "Who is "me?"     

I asked a variety of questions to myself in the mirror over the years.  It was quite a profound experience, obviously, as it's stuck with me all this time.  Now, of course, I don't need to look into a mirror to feel that I am the Spirit inside my body and not my body itself.  And all the reading I've done over the past decade or so have just affirmed what I experienced, which was great!  Affirmed, and taken it to the next level!

                                             

Is Your Personality the Real You?

It feels good to be back.  :)   I realize it had been a while (4 days) since my last blog post.  I live in Indianapolis and this past weekend was the Indy 500.  I grew up going to the track and still love it.  So that has taken up a good deal of my time the past week or two, with all the activities there.  But... back to my normal, amazing, peaceful life.  :) 

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I'm still reading "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer.  Last night what he wrote in chapter eleven was an eye-opener for me.  Seriously... this book is full of eye-openers, I feel a little like I'm becoming a broken record. 

We all carry pain around inside us.  Deep hurts that affect the way we conduct ourselves and the choices we make.  Most of us can easily identify at least some, if not all, of our triggers.  What really pushes our buttons and brings up our insecurities and fears.  It could be fear of abandonment, rejection, not being loved, not being heard, not being good enough.  The list is endless.

Singer points out in his book that these deep-seated fears have shaped our entire lives and in fact our personalities too. 

I don't know about you, but I feel I'm just getting the hang of who I am.  I'm finally accepting myself and my personality, and learning to love it.  I'm a quiet, introverted person.  That's what I've always "known."  I often prefer to be alone, or with just one close person, as opposed to with groups of people.  I've taken this as "who I am."  Until now. 

Our fears, the deep ones, are so entrenched in our beings that when we recognize our other fears and insecurities, we don't see these.  Or if we do know they're there, we don't grasp the depth.  The depth, as Singer teaches us, is that our entire life and way of living in this world is built upon these deep fears and avoiding the pain we're afraid to feel if these fears are realized. 

I'll share an example from his book to hopefully make it more clear:

"One of the essential requirements for true spiritual growth and deep personal transformation is coming to peace with pain....There is a layer of pain seated deep in the core of your heart.  This pain is so uncomfortable, so challenging, so destructive to the individual self, that your entire life is spent avoiding it.  Your entire personality is built upon ways of being, thinking, acting, and believing that were developed to avoid this pain....The psyche is built upon this pain," (p. 99-100).

Now to his specific example:

"Notice that if the feeling of rejection is a major problem for you, you will fear experiences that cause rejection.  That fear will be come part of your psyche....[A]ctual events causing rejection are infrequent...[but] you will have to deal with the fear of rejection all the time....[The] pain is always there.... Any behavior pattern based upon the avoidance of pain becomes a doorway to the pain itself.  If you are afraid of being rejected by someone and you approach that person with the intention of winning their acceptance, you are skating on thin ice.  All they have to do is look at you sideways or say the wrong thing, and you will feel the pain of rejection," (p. 100). 

That's how our inner fears affect us and alter our personalities.  Our actions and beliefs are built around avoiding the pain and fear we have inside.  We're so afraid of this pain, and we believe our fears as truths, that we're constantly seeking to avoid this pain.  So we don't put ourselves into situations that might get to our pain.  And if something does happen, we use it as "affirmation" that we were right.  And it further entrenches the pain and fear inside us.  So much so that eventually actual pain-causing events don't even need to happen.  We go there in our heads all on our own.

                                               

This led me to look at myself and my life in a whole new light. 

I'm quiet and prefer one-on-one interactions.  I've taken this as my "personality" for the past 30+ years.  But what if it's the manifestation of my avoidance of my fear of not being loved or wanted? 

I don't feel loved or wanted...and that's painful.  So instead of putting myself out there, instead of reaching out to people, I withdraw.  I'm afraid that if I do reach out, the other person's actions will affirm that they, in fact, do not love or want me around, so I'll just beat them to the punch.  I'll avoid the pain altogether and avoid the interaction in the first place.  I will get "comfortable" being alone because that's safe.  I've done this so many times that it's become my personality.  "I like to be alone."  But perhaps there's something deeper to it.   

Hmmm..... 

It's perfectly normal to avoid pain.  Physically speaking, it's a positive, instinctive quality.  Our minds and hearts do the same thing.  When something painful happens, or even something we perceive as the potential for pain, we pull back.  Our heart wants to protect itself.  We close up.  This is the root of insecurities.

"Somebody says something displeasing, and you feel some disturbance in your heart.  Then your mind starts talking, 'I don't have to put up with this.  I'll just walk away and never talk to them again.  They'll be sorry.'  Your heart is attempting to pull back from what it's experiencing and protect itself so that it doesn't have to experience that feeling again.  You do this because you can't handle the pain you're feeling.  As long as you can't handle the pain, you will react by closing in order to protect yourself.... Your thoughts will try to rationalize why you're right, why the other person's wrong, and what you should do about it.  If you buy into this, it will become a part of you....It will shape your future reactions, thoughts, and preferences," (p. 104). 

Have you ever said those words to yourself?  "I don't have to put up with this.  I'll just never talk to them again."  I have.  It's my automatic response when someone does or says something that hurts or offends me.  I'll just shut them out of my life.  Then I won't have to deal with them (it) ever again!

It's what I did when I broke up with my boyfriend.  I was so deeply entrenched in my pain and fears and I didn't know how to get out.  The only thing I knew to do was push him away.  To remove myself from the situation entirely.  To go back to what I knew and what was comfortable, and that was being alone.     

                                           

                                          

They say that lessons we need to learn will keep appearing in our lives until we get it.  I've mentioned before that my very first serious boyfriend in college was still friends with his ex-girlfriend, and this caused problems between us.  Over ten years later I'm still being presented that lesson by the Universe.  I finally think I'm getting it.  I'm finally learning to let go and just love.  I'm learning that the world is not "out to get me," as I would have been led to believe by all the things that were happening "to" me in my life.  The Universe is giving me endless opportunities to learn, grow, and be the bright, loving, shining person I'm here to be!  The same is true for you! 

But back to how it all affects our personalities.  That's what really blew my mind.  It hit me as I read last night that my actions and beliefs most definitely support my false belief that I'm not loved or wanted.  As I reflect back over my entire life, as much as I can remember anyway, I see how much was involved in building my personality. 

We're all born perfect.  We have no insecurities, no fear.  But from day one, they start building.  It all depends on our parents, other people in our lives, and our environment and circumstances.  There's nothing we can do about it.  That is, until we get old enough to see it for what it is.  To recognize that we are not all that "stuff."  That we don't have to be "tied down" by those false, limiting, hurtful beliefs.  Because they're just not true.  We can choose to get back to our core selves, as we were the day we were born.  That is who we really are.  Free, loving, here for a purpose, and loved immensely.     

"If life does something that causes a disturbance inside of you, instead of pulling away, let it pass through you like the wind....At any moment you can feel frustration, anger, fear, jealousy, insecurity, or embarrassment....[T]he heart is trying to push it all away.  If you want to be free, you have to learn to stop fighting these human feelings.  When you feel the pain, simply view it as energy....Then relax.  Do the opposite of contracting and closing.  Relax and release.  Relax your heart until you are actually face-to-face with the exact place where it hurts.  Stay open and receptive so you can be present right where the tension is....But you will not want to do this.  You will feel tremendous resistance to doing this....As you relax and feel the resistance, the heart will want to pull away, to close, to protect, and to defend itself.  Keep relaxing....It's just energy," (p. 104-105). 

"If you close around the pain and stop it from passing through, it will stay in you....[W]hy do you close around it and keep it?  Do you actually think that if you resist, it will go away?  It's not true.  If you release and let the energy pass through, then it will go away....Every single time you relax and release, a piece of the pain leaves forever....Your true greatness hides on the other side of that layer of pain," (p. 105). 
 
Now, I don't think our entire self is necessarily built on avoiding pain.  Back to my being an introvert.  People are introverts or extroverts.  Psychology has shown that.  Some people are energized by being around other people, and other people (like me) need to be alone to reenergize.  That's fine.  That's just how we're built.  But where it becomes less our innate personality and more our fear-and-pain-avoidance is with our beliefs regarding the world and other people.

I can be an introvert and need time alone to reenergize, without avoiding people or social situations because I assume no one there will like me or want me there. 

To truly grow, we need to let go.  I've been getting this message for years now.  I did a group meditation one time a couple of years ago and the only phrase that kept coming to me was "Let go.  Let go.  Let go."  Over and over for the duration of the meditation.  It was quite powerful.  I'm now seeing even more how that message needs to be applied in my life.

                                              

The good news is the Universe doesn't give up on us.  When it may seem like we're constantly being barraged by hurtful, difficult experiences, that's not actually what's going on.  The Universe is giving us opportunity after opportunity to learn, let go, and grow into our fully actualized Love-Self. 

I believe this is why (in part anyway) I met my current boyfriend.  His having an ex-wife, and maintaining a friendship with her was a major trigger point for me.  A major cause of pain.  When we first started dating, and he told me they were still friends, I didn't like it, but I didn't want to let it bother me.  I wanted to be different.  I wanted to be ok with it.  So I tried. 

But it was painful.  After all, it's a deep source of fear for me.  I'm afraid that he'll feel more of a connection to her (or anyone else) than me.  I'm afraid of not being good enough or important.  So of course it would be difficult!  I kept trying though.  Sometimes I actually had pleasant interactions with her, and that motivated me to keep trying.  But other times my ego and fear would engulf me and it was miserable. 

Over time I started avoiding the pain.  I let my ego and mind talk me out of trying to change and let go.  I took the approach of "I'll just never be around her, that'll fix it."  Then I told my boyfriend he could never be around her either.  And he actually did it!  That, I believe, shows how much he loved me.  He was willing to do what he could for me. 

But it wasn't enough.  Not for me and my deep fears.  I kept feeding this fear... and the Universe kept giving me opportunities to let it go.  But I refused.  So I did the last thing I could do - remove myself from the relationship and entire situation. 

This time around I am more dedicated than ever to letting go.  I see things differently, thanks largely in part to Michael Singer and others who have opened my eyes in the recent months.  I'm sure it'll still be challenging at times, but I'm actually excited.      

                                                   

                                  

"Everything Will Be Ok as soon as You are Ok with Everything."

"Everything will be okay as soon as you are okay with everything."  That's a quote from p. 95 of "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer.  I highlighted and starred it in my book last night. 

That's the truth though.  The reason things aren't "ok" is because we don't let them be ok.  We don't accept.  We don't let go.  We live in fear.  We try to control. 
                                                  

But if we let go.  If we release our vice grip on our world and the circumstances in it, we will be ok.  Because the Universe is ok just the way it is.  Not just ok, perfect.  The sooner we really see and accept this, the better.     

"Yeah, yeah, I know the Universe is perfect.  I know everything happens for a reason.  But I just don't want _______ in my life.  If that [person/situation/event] were just gone, I and life would be so much better!"

Have you said something akin to that?  I know I have.  I thought I got things.  I "knew" the Universe was perfect, and everything happened in Divine Timing, and it was all for my benefit and to learn from .  I "knew" all that, yet I wasn't fully accepting it.  Hence, my fear-driven actions, anxiety, worry, and stress on a frequent basis.

                                                     

                                                           

"The prerequisite to true freedom is to decide that you do not want to suffer anymore.  You must decide that you want to enjoy your life and that there is no reason for stress, inner pain, or fear.  Every day we bear a burden that we should not be bearing.  We fear that we are not good enough or that we will fail.  We experience insecurity, anxiety, and self-consciousness.  We fear that people will turn on us, take advantage of us, or stop loving us.... Every day we are either feeling it, or we are protecting ourselves from feeling it.... People do not understand how much they are suffering because they have never experienced what it is like not to suffer," (Singer p. 89).   

"You are either trying to stop suffering, controlling your environment to avoid suffering, or worrying about suffering in the future.  This state of affairs is so prevalent that you don't see it, just as a fish doesn't see the water," (p. 90).

"Look how often you think about how you're doing, whether you like things or not, and how to rearrange the world to please yourself.  You think like this because you're not okay inside, and you're constantly trying to make yourself feel better," (p. 90). 

"Inner sensitivity is a symptom of non-well-being.  It's the same as when the body sends pain or displays other symptoms when it's not well.  Pain is not bad; it's how the body talks to you.... Your psyche is communicating through its universal language:  fear.  Self-consciousness, jealousy, insecurity, anxiety -- they are all fear," (p. 91). 

Why are we so messed up?  Or maybe you're not, but I have been.  Why?  Singer offers his explanation in what I found to be very true, and humorous because it's so utterly ridiculous once you hear it.

"You have mistreated [your psyche] by giving it a responsibility that is incomprehensible.... You said to your mind, 'I want everyone to like me.  I don't want anyone to speak badly of me.  I want everything I say and do to be acceptable and pleasing to everyone.  I don't want anyone to hurt me.  I don't want anything to happen that I don't like.  And I want everything to happen that I do like.'  Then you said, 'Now, mind, figure out how to make every one of these things a reality, even if you have to think about it day and night.' And of course your mind said, 'I'm on the job.  I will work on it constantly.'... That is why the mind is so active; you gave it an impossible task to do," (p. 91). 

Can you see your own truth in Singer's explanation?  When I read it, I was like, "Huh."  It's true, yet so amazingly ridiculous that it's incredible that we do that.  But we do. 

"This is what has broken the psyche.  The signs of the body breaking are pain and weakness.  The signs of the psyche breaking are underlying fear and incessant neurotic thought." 

Ok... my psyche was definitely broken! 

"At some point you have to wake up and acknowledge that you have a problem inside.... This act of constant worrying about yourself is a form of suffering.  But how to you get it to stop?  Many people try to fix their inner problems by getting better at the same external games they have always played.... Your thoughts are about the problem, why it is bothering you, ad what you can do about it.  If you don't do something about this, it will go on for the rest of your life....[Y]our mind is always telling you that you have to change something outside in order to solve your inner problems," (p. 92). 

"You should never have to figure out how to be okay, or how to not be scared, or how to feel loved.  You should not have to devote your life to your psyche," (p. 93).   

Ok, so what do we do about it?  How do we "be ok" without worrying about it and trying to "make it happen?" 

"The key is to be quiet....You, the one inside watching the neurotic mind, just relax....You are not the thinking mind; you are aware of the thinking mind.... You can watch the mind being neurotic and not get involved....The mind runs because you are giving it the power of your attention.  Withdraw your attention, and the thinking mind falls away," (p. 95-96). 

"[Your] trigger points will help remind you to remain centered.  Eventually it will become quiet enough so that you can simply watch the heart begin to react, and let go before the mind starts....    [T]he shifts of energy in your heart cause you to instantaneously be aware that you are back there noticing.  The mind doesn't even get a chance to start up because you let go at the heart level," (p. 97). 

I have noticed this within myself.  If you pay attention I'm sure you will too.  You maybe already have.  When you're feeling fear, your heart constricts.  It closes.  It's trying to protect itself and you.  That is the first sign that you need to let go and relax.  I blogged about this in my "Open to Love" post a few days ago. 

This was one of my first lessons from Michael Singer.  To notice the constriction in the heart and notice that is the first sign of fear in our bodies.  Then our mind jumps all over it and starts in with all the fear-based thoughts and talk. So if we can notice the fear signals at the heart level, as Singer instructs, we can nip it in the bud.  We can let it go right then, instead of letting our mind go to all those dark places it likes to go where we get chewed up and spit out, if we're lucky.

                                            

Last night my boyfriend came over after work to talk.  We had been spending more time together over the past week and things were progressing back to where we were before I ended it and he moved out.  It felt good to be with him again, and I wanted to see how he was feeling. 

He told me that he wanted to be together again too, but there were a few areas of concern on his mind.  I could have named them before he did.  1) He is friends with his ex-wife again and didn't know how I felt about that and 2) He wants a long-term, marriage commitment (at some point) and wanted to make sure that's the direction I was heading too and wanted that as well. 

I explained to him, the best I could, how I see things differently now.  How I look back to the two years we were together, and see how much I freaked out and how afraid I was of stuff (mostly in regards to his ex-wife), and don't want to go back to that place any more than he does.  I told him about Michael Singer's book and how much I've learned and grown over the past couple of months. 

I really do want to not live in fear.  I just want to live in love.  I want to live in peace.  And now I see that it's my choice.  And it's your choice. 

I know I'm well on my way to living in that state.  And it feels amazing! 

                                             

When I feel the fear begin -- the heart constricting -- I know now to just notice it and not jump into the black hole with it.  For example, last night before my boyfriend came over, I knew what we were going to talk about.  And I was scared.  I was nervous.  I could literally feel my heart closing and constricting.  So I simply noticed it.  And I let go.  I sat on my couch before he arrived and put my hands out to the sides (in an open posture) and reminded myself to "Open in Love."  Just saying those words, and meaning them (while focusing on my heart with my mind's eye), I felt the change happen.  I felt my heart open.  Sure, sometimes it would close right back up again, in fear, so I just repeated it.  "Open in Love."  "Open."  It works. 

We're not going to never experience fear or unpleasant feelings.  We're human.  That's part of the experience here in this body.  But the key is to notice the experience and let it pass on through you.  You don't have to dive into the experience and think about it, worry about it, and make it worse.  Just notice the feelings, let them come up and out, and gently remind yourself to be "Open in Love."

Because truly, just as the quote states at the opening of this post, when you are ok with everything, everything will be ok.  It all starts with you.  And everything is given to you by the Universe for your benefit.  Everything.  It's time we accept it, love it even, and just love.   

*I put the following quote up in my bathroom.  It's my new favorite "3 rules of life." 

                                  

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On a side, but related, note... Two nights ago I had an idea for a line of clothing that says simply, "Just Love."  Because truly, that's what it's all about, and I thought it would be nice to wear a reminder of it, and to put those words out into the world in a way that people could see them.  So when I got up in the morning I got on the internet and searched "Just Love."  And it turns out someone is already doing this!  I don't know if you've heard about this company, but obviously I hadn't.
Just Love is a really cool company that makes different clothing pieces for men, women, and children with that simple phrase on the front.  On the back are different love quotes, which I thought were great.  I actually ordered a couple things last night.  I get nothing from this company, but when I see something I like and am excited about, I like to share.  I just thought it was so cool how it had never occurred to me to search for something like this on the internet until now... and when I do, I discover this amazing company that makes cute, simple clothes that I'll actually wear.  Just another way to spread the message and be a reminder not just to myself, but others.  :)      

Let Go of Your Fear

Chapter 8 of "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer could have been written about/for me.  The more I read of it last night, the more I was saying to myself, "Yes!  That's exactly how I feel!"  Maybe you can relate too.  I'd like to share some of what I got out of that chapter and what I related to so strongly. 

The whole chapter is about the fears we have inside us and how we let that take over our consciousness and our lives.  A fear and false belief I've carried for most of my life is not being important, valued, or really loved.  As Singer points out, "Fear is the cause of every problem.  It's the root of all prejudices and negative emotions of anger, jealousy, and possessiveness." 

A-ha!  The jealousy and possessiveness I've felt in relationships comes from fear (not a surprise there).  But it's not about the other person.  It's not about any person.  It's just about the fear and my ego. 

                                                     

I probably felt the most possessive in my last relationship with my ex-boyfriend.  It was the most serious relationship I'd had... we were living together and basically en route to getting married someday.  And boy did my jealousy and possessiveness flare up in that relationship! 

If you've been a reader of my blog for a while, you know the issues I had regarding his ex-wife.  I did not like any contact he had with her.  I thought it was her.  She needed to just go away and all would be rosy.  Oh no.  As time went on the possessiveness surfaced with his male friends too.  Let me point out that my boyfriend did nothing to warrant my jealous and possessive tendencies.  It was all me.  All fear.  And as we probably all know, fear will find a way to show up if we're carrying it around.  Lessons will keep presenting themselves until we get it.  I was with my boyfriend for over two years and I didn't get it.  Now I do. 

When we live in fear, "life becomes a 'me against it' situation.  When you have fear, insecurity, or weakness inside of you, and you attempt to keep it from being stimulated, there will inevitably be events and changes in life that challenge your efforts... You feel like this person is not behaving the way they should, and this event is not unfolding the way you want.  You see situations that happened in the past as disturbing, and you see things down the road as potential problems.  Your definitions of desirable and undesirable, as well as good and bad, all come about because you have defined how things need to be in order for you to be okay.... The part of you inside that's not okay with itself can't face the natural unfolding of life because it's not under your control," (Singer p. 72).

Yes!  "This person"  (who's not behaving the way they should) in Michael's quote above, for me, was my boyfriend's ex-wife.  I can recall many events that I "needed" to unfold just perfectly, or else I'd be sent into a tailspin.  I definitely saw past situations (my boyfriend's marriage, for one) as disturbing.  And I saw things down the road (any future interactions with the ex-wife) as problems just waiting to come along.  Yes, this is me, all the way! 

"When you're in this state of disturbance, your tendency will be to act in order to try to fix things... [Y]ou just want the disturbance to stop.  So you start getting down to your survival instincts.  You may feel that you have to do something drastic.  You may want to leave your husband or wife, or move, or quit your job," (Singer p. 77). 

Hello!  That couldn't be more me if it had a neon sign above it in my name! 

A turning point, an a-ha moment for me in Singer's book was this:  "As you grow spiritually, you will realize that your attempts to protect yourself from problems actually create more problems.  If you attempt to arrange people, places, and things so they don't disturb you, it will begin to feel like life is against you.  You'll feel that life is a struggle and that every day is heavy because you have no control and fight with everything.  There will be competition, jealousy, and fear.  You will feel that anyone, at any moment, could cause you disturbance... That makes life a threat.  That's why you have to worry so much... You're either trying to figure out how to keep things from happening or you're trying to figure out what to do because they did happen... The alternative is to decide not to fight with life," (p. 72-73). 

I see now that all my attempts to "protect" myself were creating more drama and more problems.  I didn't like living the way I was living - in such fear.  I knew it was unhealthy.  I just didn't know what to do about it.  I didn't know how to be different because I didn't know anyone who was different.  The people I went to for advice basically told me to do what I was doing.  Avoid the ex-wife and tell my boyfriend I wasn't comfortable with him having contact with her (even though the contact was not a threat to me or my relationship, it was very platonic). 

I most definitely felt like life was a struggle the past two years in that relationship.  And it wasn't because of the relationship.  It was because I was living in such fear.  Talk about anxiety!  I did feel, as Singer explains, that anyone, at any time, could cause a "disturbance."  I worried almost constantly.  I see how insane that was, and how unbalanced, but like I said, I didn't know any better.  I didn't know how to get out of the black hole I was in.  Except to end the relationship.  Which I did. 

"If you truly want to grow spiritually, you'll realize that keeping your stuff is keeping you trapped...[R]ealize that life is actually trying to help you.  Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth.  You don't have to decide who's right or wrong.  You don't have to worry about other people's issues.  You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything, and permit the purification process to take place... [S]ituations will unfold that hit your stuff... [N]ow you see it as a good thing because it's an opportunity to let go," (Singer p. 74). 

                                           

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be trapped anymore by my "stuff."  I see how it's holding me back and I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of living in deep fear and constant worry. 

So what do we do about this?  What do we do about our "stuff?"  Just let it go.  When situations arise that trigger our "stuff," just let it go.  Don't focus on it.  Don't ignore it... but simply be aware and let it come up and pass right on through you.  Every time stuff comes up, let it go.  Every time. 

                                              

Singer explains that it's best to let go right away and let go of it all -- whatever comes up at that time.  I know I've tried to let go of some of my issues, or rationalize certain things, but not others.  No!  It's all or nothing.  Let go of it all!  Why would I want to hold any of my issues anyway?  They're causing me anxiety and stress.  They're holding me back in relationships and in love and life in general.   

Singer adds this towards the end of the chapter:  "If you fall along the way, just get up and forget it.... Just let go immediately, and allow the energy to go back to the highest center of consciousness it can achieve.  If you feel shame, let it go.  If you feel fear, let it go.  All of these are the remnants of the blocked energy that is finally being purified," (p. 79).

I have been working on letting go of my fear for a while now.  I'm sure there's more work to do.  But I do feel like I've come a long way.  This chapter in "The Untethered Soul" epitomizes me to a tee.  It was really cool last night to feel like I was basically reading about my life and the inner workings of my mind and Spirit as I went through the turmoil and stress in my past relationship, in terms of the fear I was carrying. 

My ex-boyfriend and I are actually talking again.  I know, I know, this may be a surprise to many of my frequent readers, based on some of the stuff I've written about him and the relationship.  But here's what I know now... all the "issues" I wrote about were self-created.  They were born from my fear.  I was living in fear, not love, for the bulk of the relationship.  I tried to love, but I see now that I wasn't truly.  I couldn't.  I was too blocked by fear and didn't know how to release it.  I didn't know how to be different.  But now I do.

I also recognize now that all of the "complaints" I put onto him, were complaints and fears about myself.  The people in our lives are truly our mirrors.  I blogged about this a few days ago in the  "Like Attracts Like"  post. 

I honestly feel like my eyes have been opened.  My heart as well.  It's the quintessential "Ohhhhhh" moment where something just hits you that you'd missed for so long. 

Right now I'm excited to move forward.  I'm excited about the future.  As my boyfriend and I reconnect, I see definite potential there.  All the feelings that were there in the very beginning are still there.  Only now I am living more in a place of Love.  I feel like I'm loving in Love, instead of loving in Fear. 

         

"We're Not Broken, Just Bent."

This song has had a big impact on me ("Just Give Me a Reason" by Pink).  I love it.  I get entranced each time I hear it.  Last night Michelle Chamuel sang it on The Voice and I was inspired to make it the theme of my blog today. 

You can watch Pink's video and listen to the song here, on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpQFFLBMEPI

"We're not broken, just bent.  We can learn to love again." 

A superb reminder.  None of us are broken.  We all have lessons to learn.  So learn the lesson and move on.  Get back to love.  "Learn to love again."

Getting back to Love is a choice.  And at times a conscious effort.  I'm still reading Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul."  He explains that one of the first steps at truly living in love and peace is to simply notice the tendency we all have to protect and defend ourselves.  Specifically our hearts. 

We all have our insecurities and trigger points.  Notice them.  When you feel an insecurity and fear popping up, step back and observe.  You don't have to engage with it.  You don't have to follow that fearful energy. 

                                                  

Here is part of a paragraph I highlighted and starred from the book:

"Spiritual growth is about the point at which you start to feel your energy change.  For instance, somebody says something and you start to feel the energy get a little strange inside.  You will actually start to feel a tightening.  This is your cue that it's time to grow.  It's not time to defend yourself, because you don't want the part of you that you would be defending.  If you don't want it, let it go," (Singer, p.63). 

When you feel insecure and afraid, our typical gut instinct is to defend ourselves.  Put up our walls and close our hearts.  I've done it countless times.  I felt it when I was doing it, but didn't know the alternative.  I love how Singer tells us that that moment of fear and insecurity is, in fact, not the time to defend ourselves.  Instead, it's the time to open our hearts.  Focus on the opening. 

Our hearts are closing out of fear.  So to step away and get out of that fear requires us to open our hearts.  Not close them.  Not take the defensive posture.  But relax and open.  It's all love.  Remember? 

Singer also explains that thoughts and emotions are just objects of consciousness.  They are not us.  But our consciousness focuses on them, thereby giving them power.  "This is why thoughts and emotions get stronger the more attention you give them... If you don't let go, it can get completely out of control," (Singer p. 65). 

But what if someone "wrongs" me?  What if someone hurts me?  I can't let people walk all over me, take advantage of me! 

This is your ego's voice. 

                                                

As Michael Singer closes out chapter seven, he assures us, "There's nothing wrong with being peaceful and centered as long as you are releasing the energy, not suppressing it.  Ultimately, even terrible things happen, you should be able to live without emotional scars or impressions.... No matter what events take place in life, it is always better to let go rather than to close... Nothing will be able to take your seat of consciousness from you.... [Learn] to let go no matter how deep the pain, you will achieve a great state.  You will break the ultimate habit: the constant draw of the lower self."

No matter what happens.  No matter what anyone says or does.  You can stay centered and in Love.  Singer tells us this is possible. 

You don't have to listen to the ego's voice.  You don't have to let yourself get sucked in by your ego's drama.  You can choose peace and love.  Just let go.  Be open to love.      

                                               

We're all "bent."  We've all been dinged up in our lives.  We've all been hurt, scared, anxious, and insecure.  But we don't have to stay that way.

                                   Open in Love 

Open to Love

"Open to Love."  That's my new mantra.  Whenever I feel my heart closing (aka Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul"), I say in my head, "open to love."  I remind my heart to be open... that it's ok to be open.  And to stay in Love.  Not fear.  So far it's been amazing!

                                                      

I was out yesterday, around lots of people, and whenever I passed someone I tend to have snap judgments about, I reminded myself to be "open to love." 

I know this will take some time.  I mean, we all have our stereotypes and areas in which we tend to judge others in a negative light.  I said my new mantra to myself multiple times yesterday.  And each and every time it helped. 

Instead of my heart closing in judgment of the other person, I felt it open in love.  Literally.  It's pretty cool! 

I need to accept that everyone has their own path.  My path isn't the next person's path.  What may be right for me may not be right for another person.  Things people do that I deem "bad" or gross or shameful... it's not my place to judge.  My place is to love.  As is your place. 

                                                           

                                                       

I've also hung out with my ex-boyfriend a few times in the past few weeks.  As friends.  At first it felt a little awkward.  But as I've been shifting my own thought pattern and living more in love myself, I've noticed a shift in how I see him.  I'm more compassionate.  Less judgmental.  I blogged about it, and a revelation I had a few days ago in the "Like Attracts Like" blog. 
(Here: http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/05/like-attracts-like.html) 

We're all just here.  We're all a piece of the Love Source.  We humans can get so wrapped up in judging each other, thinking how other people are annoying, bad, wrong, etc.  But if we just drop that... drop those judgments and ego-minded thinking... it's so much more peaceful!  This is what I'm practicing now.  And I do mean practicing... as it takes conscious effort and will. 

With my ex-boyfriend, for example, when we were together I got possessive.  I got jealous.  I got insecure.  I was living in fear a lot.  I knew it then, but didn't know what to do about it and chalked it up as "normal."  It may be normal, but it's not how I want to be anymore.

I've been realizing lately that if you're truly living in Love, you want everyone to be happy and live in love too.  Possessiveness, jealousy, insecurity -- those take away love.  Or block love.  Not only from others, but mostly from yourself. 

                                              

The goal, my goal, is to live in love at all times.  When I feel myself slide down the black hole of fear, I now will remind myself to be "open to love."  When I see another person who I'm quick to judge for one reason or another, I'll remind myself to be "open to love."  When I'm feeling afraid or insecure, I'll gently guide myself back to being "open to love." 

It's not just about the words, you have to relax your body and literally feel your heart open.  Feel the blockages melt away.  Feel the tight grip of tension and anxiety release.  Just be present and be open to love.

A couple of people helped me along my journey and inspired today's blog.  Yesterday I read Laura Fenamore's blog on The Daily Love and loved a lot of what she said there.  One sentence, however simple, that stood out to me is this:  "Feel the negative, let it go and then get back on track with this process." 

I felt that Laura gave me "permission" to feel the negative thoughts/emotions that will arise (and they will still arise), but then to just let it go and get back on the positive, love track.  It's not about NOT feeling negative emotions.  It's about being kind to ourselves and gently guiding ourselves back on track.  Reminding ourselves of our true purpose to live in love... not fear and judgment.

You can read Laura's entire post on TDL here:  http://thedailylove.com/using-the-law-of-attraction-to-turn-your-desires-into-reality/        

The other person who gave me something to think about is Kathleen Chelquist.  Hers is the first comment in The Daily Love blog post here: http://thedailylove.com/are-you-surrounding-yourself-with-emotional-vampires/.  Kathleen reminds us that it's all about Love.  If LOVE guides your actions and choices, you're good.  But far too often fear guides our choices and actions. 

Kathleen learned to see her husband with eyes of love, instead of judgment.  And that truly made all the difference in their relationship.  She shares the concept of "leaving in love" or "staying in love."  If we do determine that an individual is not someone we want to be with any longer, we need to leave them, and the relationship in love.  Though most people (myself included) rarely do.  People often end relationships and leave in a cloud of judgment, anger, hurt, sadness, confusion, etc.  The list goes on and on. 
                                                       

Seriously, Kathleen's comment has stuck with me days later, and I could go on and on, quoting different parts of it.  But you really should just check it out for yourself.  At the bottom of her comment is also a link to her blog, which is also great!

I can literally feel myself growing right now.  I can feel my Spirit expanding and my heart opening.  I can only hope this continues, and I believe with a conscious choice, it can.

And the best part is I know the Universe will provide me with plenty of opportunities to practice!  ;)  To practice dropping my judgments, opening my heart, and living in LOVE.    

                                       

The Universe Will Provide; Be Open

The Universe will provide for you... it just may not come in the form you're expecting.  Let go of your expectations and accept with gratitude.  Open your mind and your heart to receiving all the goodness the Universe will, and already is bestowing upon you. 

                                              

If you've been reading my blog, you know I recently quit my steady part-time job in order to have "my" time back.  To pursue writing more.  And go more in the direction of my calling.  It was a leap of faith as I was giving up a steady paycheck for no paycheck at all.  At least not from a traditional job. 

                                                                

                                               

But I believed, and still believe, that I will be provided for.  Somehow.  Someway.  Just when I need it. 

That's how it's always been as long as I can remember. 

I also recently discussed in another blog post about how I'm tired of just "getting by" and am ready to live in true abundance and prosperity. 
You can check out that blog post here:  http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/05/what-would-you-do-differently-if.html

So the past two days I have stopped thinking fearful thoughts in terms of money.  I've stopped worrying about every single little purchase, afraid that I won't ever see that money again.  If I truly need something, I get it.  Or even if I really would like something, I indulge myself more than I used to.  (You may remember me telling how I went and got frozen yogurt on a whim and got breadsticks...two minor purchases - but things I normally would not get because I'm that afraid of money running out and that choosy what I spend money on.)

Well anyway, get this... I began that new mindset on Tuesday.  That's when I made the decision to stop living in fear of running out of money and be more generous... both with myself and others.  To really give the Universe an opportunity to provide for me instead of insisting that I have to hold onto every dollar that comes my way because it might be the last.  So, that was two days ago. 

Wednesday I got an email from this local market research firm.  I signed up to be on their emailing list years ago and have participated in studies from time to time.  This email had three current studies, and if I liked, I could fill out online questionnaires to see if I qualified.  So I did.  And I did. 

I ended up qualifying for a study that I participated in yesterday.  Forty-five minutes of my time, and  I got paid $75. 

I could look at this as a coincidence.  But as we all know by now, there are no coincidences.  I let go of my fear of running out of money on Tuesday.  Wednesday I get an email for a study that I qualify for.  And Thursday I get paid $75.  How's that for a quick answer?

I was certainly not expecting that study to come along.  I fill out way more questionnaires for studies that I don't end up qualifying for than ones I do.  But yet it worked out this time.

Let go and open your heart to receiving from the Universe. 

                                             

Give in order to receive. 

Do all things in Love and Love will return to you. 

So many great lessons.

That last one reminds me of the chapter I read a couple days ago from "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer.  I had not read this book until now.  I'm about half-way through.  So far my favorite part is the chapter about being open. 

Michael tells us in his book that all we need to do is practice openness.  When we feel hurt, afraid, threatened, etc, our heart closes.  When we feel love, it opens.  And all we have to do is keep it open at all times. 

I say it like it's no big deal, but obviously it is.  It takes practice.  But it's ok to need to practice something.  It's ok to react in fear, and close your heart, when you feel threatened or afraid... and then to remind yourself to be open and live in love.  That everything is love.

This is my newest commitment to practice.  When I feel my heart close, and you can feel it, I will remind myself to open it.

                                                 

So two lessons for today:  Keep your heart open and trust that the Universe will provide for
you!  :)

                                                   

What Would You Do Differently IF________?

"They" say to act as IF you already have everything you want.  To act as IF you already are the person you want to be, you have the success you desire, the money you desire, the status you desire.  Wayne Dyer, for one, teaches that we are, in fact, already what we desire.  It's already here.  We just have to open our eyes and see it. 

                                                    

Ok.  I got to thinking about that yesterday when I was walking my dogs (when else?).  How would I act differently if I did already have the success and abundance I desire, that feel that I don't currently have?

As I thought about it I realized there isn't a whole lot I would do differently.  I already took my time back.  I'm not working any job for someone else, abiding by their schedule and their rules.  That, I would say, is the most important thing in my life.  And I'm already living that.

I am involved with animals in a capacity I feel that I'm making a difference and I feel good about. 

I'm happy with where I live.  I truly do live in my dream home.  It may not be anybody else's dream home, but it's mine.

Relationship-wise... I'm content, I suppose.  At times I wish I had someone close to spend time with, but at other times I'm happy and content living alone and not being committed to anyone.  Where my life will go in this aspect of my life, I have no idea.  Will I continue living alone the rest of my life, dating here and there, or will I get into a steady, serious, long-term relationship again?  I can honestly see it going either way right now, and I'm content watching it unfold and happen naturally.  I'm not stressed about it.  I don't worry about this part of life.

The single thing I found that I would do differently is in regards to spending money.  I wouldn't worry so much about spending five dollars, or a hundred dollars, feeling like it's gone forever.  I would know more is coming, so I don't have to worry about it. 

                                                    

                                                    

Presently, and for my entire life, I've been money-conscious.  Thrifty.  Frugal.  I watch what I spend and am choosy where my money goes.  Even as a young kid I kept my own "statements," recording in a little notebook the money I brought in (from babysitting or gifts) and the money I spent. 

I am so choosy about spending money because I believe that when I do, I'm giving up that money.  It's gone.  So each choice is bigger than it probably needs to be.  For example, a latte might sound good...but do I want to spend that $4.75 there, or would I rather keep it and save it towards something else?  Or this one... right now I could really use a new ipod.  Mine, even when fully charged, lasts about 20 minutes.  It's one of the ipod "classics" and I've had it for years.  It doesn't have much storage space either.  But when I think about buying a new one, the one I'd choose would likely cost about $150.  That's no latte.  Would I rather have the ipod, and be down $150... or would that money be more wisely saved for some future, unseen event to come? 
                  

This is the thought process I go through before pretty much every purchase.  Even with gift cards. 

I see money as finite.  Limited.  It'll run out if I spend it.  So I don't like to spend much.  I hold onto it.  But am I holding too tightly?  Is this like the water analogy.... If you stick your hand into a flowing river and try to grab ahold of the water, to hold it and keep it, you can't.  But if you just open your hand and let the water flow around it, you'll feel it more.  Experience it more.  You can't experience or enjoy water with a closed fist, trying to hold it... you can only experience it when you're open and let it flow.  Same with money? 

Yes, I have a fear of running out of money.  Therefore, I live my life largely with thoughts of scarcity running through my head. 

I always have enough though.  At least enough to get by.  I know that as well.  But why am I limiting myself to just "getting by?"

As I think about it, that's the way I live my life.  I don't buy something until I really need it.  I "get by" on whatever I have until I can't stand it any longer. 

I have worked jobs as long as I can stand it.  Until I can't stand it any longer, so I make a change and move on.  By that time I've usually built up some savings, which gives me the security to quit that job and leave that paycheck behind.  And I "get by" on my savings until I have another income coming in. 

I'm always "getting by."  But I don't want to just "get by" any more!  I want to live in prosperity and ever-flowing abundance! 

As I learned from the quote (below), it's time to shift my focus.  No more "I want abundance.  I want prosperity."  Just simply ABUNDANCE!  PROSPERITY! 

                                               

For the past two days, I have loosened up my purse strings.  On a whim, I decided to go get some frozen yogurt.  I didn't think twice about spending the four dollars.  Last night I wanted some breadsticks.  So I got them.  And enjoyed every bite! 

I do think there's a balance between spending wisely and living in scarcity.  I'm not about throwing money out the window or spending it on useless things I don't need and don't much want either.  But life should be enjoyed!

Abundance is already here!   

I'm starting to see that my being so frugal and weighing the decision to spend every single dollar as if it's my last dollar is holding me back from abundance. 

I'm ready to open my hands and truly experience the flow of the water! 

                                            

Additional Quotes:

                                             

 

     

Our Triggers Are Our Ego Getting Its Toes Stepped On

I had a revelation yesterday.  I had been having a low-energy day, not really feeling motivated to do much.  But it was a nice, sunny afternoon, so I decided to take my dogs out for an atypical afternoon walk (we usually walk in the mornings).  Like usual, this walk got stuff moving in my head and that's when this realization hit me.

Triggers aren't about the other person, they're about us. 

This might not be news to some of you, but it was news to me.  At least in the way I was thinking about it at that moment. 

I always thought of triggers as something someone else does that gets on my nerves.  They're bothering me.  They're the one with the "character flaw."

But here's what hit me:  It's not about what the other person is doing.  It's about how I'm perceiving it. 

One of my biggest triggers, I realized recently, is when I perceive someone as being condescending. 

As long as I can remember I would have told you that I don't like condescending people.  I find them annoying, self-righteous, and just unpleasant to be around, much less try to have a conversation with. 

You know how they say what we dislike most in other people is often what we dislike most in ourselves (whether we see it or not)?  (hint: I even said this in my own blog yesterday)  Well, I have been told I can be condescending.  I know I can be, so I make a conscious effort not to be, but apparently sometimes I still come across that way.  (I was told so in my last relationship... even at times when I didn't feel like I was being condescending, he told me that's how it felt.) 

Ok.  So, there's that.  I'm aware and working on it. 

But there's more.

                                              

The reason condescending people are such a trigger to me (or I should say, perceived condescending people), is because it's an issue where my ego is strongest.  When I feel like someone is talking down to me, my ego really flares up.  It's like the other person is stepping all over my ego's toes.  All over them.  And my ego doesn't like that one bit. 

So I realized that's what our triggers denote to us.  It's a major ego point being brought to our attention.  When we get triggered, it should now be a mental trigger to step back and observe the ego.  To really make an effort to get in Spirit, and out of the ego that is flaring up. 

That's what I intend to practice the next time I feel someone is being condescending towards me.

                                                 

I'd like to dive a little deeper here.   

Tying our triggers not to other people, but to ourselves, and specifically, to our ego, why are our triggers what they are?  Why do people have different triggers?  I think it all goes back to areas in our lives where we either feel better than or less than other people. 

You may have grown up not being valued, listened to, or ignored.  I know I felt some of that myself.  So you may consequently feel like you're not important and not valuable (a shadow belief of mine as well).  Therefore, a trigger may be when, now in your adult life, you feel people aren't listening to you.  Because that's an area where you feel weak and "not as good as" other people. 

OR a trigger may be a result of an area you "know" you are.  An area of confidence.  So you don't like someone challenging it.  But is it true confidence?  This is what I'd like to examine.

                                                     

Speaking personally with my trigger of perceived condescension.... I grew up always succeeded in school, being one of the smartest in my class (or at least getting the best grades).  Learning and doing well academically always came easy to me.  My mom also always told me how smart I was and always expected me to do well.  I see now, as I dive deeper into this in my own thoughts and memories that I was taught this trigger by my mom. 

She would get personally offended when someone succeeded more academically than I did.  Not angry at me, mind you, but personally offended herself.  Once I remember I got an A- in choir in high school (because I was quiet, didn't like to sing out, and also am probably a little tone deaf...lol...) and my mom had it out with my choir teacher.  I remember her being very upset that my GPA would drop because of a little minus sign in choir, of all subjects.  I, on the other hand, was not bothered by the grade one bit. 

Then, as we approached graduation, I remember my mom being offended that I wasn't first or second in my class.  I was fourth.  Perfect for me... I didn't want to give a commencement speech AT ALL.  But she would talk about the three people "ahead of me" and put them down.  She'd make comments about how I'm smarter, how they didn't deserve it, etc. 

These are two distinct experiences I remember.  I wonder how many others there were when I was younger that made a lasting impression on my mind. 

I also wonder, now, if my "not liking" people who are condescending is really because I fear that they are smarter than me, and if someone is smarter than me, then who am I?  What am I left with? 

Being smart has been one thing in my life I "knew" about myself.  One area I was extremely confident in.  But now I wonder if it's true confidence, or if it's just the identity I created (and was created for me as a young kid by my mom), that my ego is afraid to "let slip."

                                                 

That quote by Deepak Chopra sums it up quite nicely.  My social mask is that I was/am smart.  That was my self-image.  My role.  And when people "threaten" that role, by showing or appearing smarter than me, my ego flips out.  Fear. 

Feeling "smarter than other people" is something I've felt as long as I can remember.  It's where my ego has a "leg up."  And egos love that.  They love to feel "better than" in whatever way they can.  So that's why, I believe now, I get so triggered by people who, I feel, are acting like they're smarter than me.  My ego is raging and saying, "Now hold on a minute!  You are NOT smarter than me!  I am smarter than YOU!"  Total ego talk.  It's my ego trying ever-so-hard to reaffirm its position.  To stake, and keep, it's claim on the top of the mountain. 

                                                             

But there is no mountain.  It's all ego. 

This is coming to my attention now because it's the ripe opportunity for me to practice being more in Spirit.  To let go of my ego a little more.

                                                  

So the next time I feel my ego's little toes are getting stepped on, I'll know what's really going on.  I'm more aware.  It's all part of the process.  All a part of the growth, evolvement, and enlightenment.