Saturday, January 19, 2013

When something's just not right

When something's just not right, we know it.  We may try to ignore it (I know I often do).  It may be inconvenient, or not what we want or expected.  But I'm really making an effort to listen to my own inner voice and spirit and respect what it's telling me.  Don't push it aside anymore! 

We humans tend to think we know best.  We think we know what we want.  We think we know the best way to get it or become it. 

But then the Universe steps in and shows us a new way.  A way we probably didn't even consider.  A new way that may be longer or shorter, but in the end, we're right where we need to be. 

When I asked my boyfriend to move in with me a little over two years ago, after only dating him three months, I was a little trepidatious, but it felt right.  Well, ok, if I'm being honest, it didn't feel as right as it felt that's what I wanted to do.  I wanted it to be right.  I wanted it to work.  But it didn't. 

During one of our talks, post-move-out, he asked me "Why?"  How can a person go from saying "I love you" to two weeks later asking the object of their affection to move out?  That's what he asked me, because that's precisely what happened. 

At first I didn't have an answer for him.  I didn't know how to put it into words.  It's just what I knew I needed to do.  It was my spirit and my heart driving my actions (for a change).  My logical, thinking mind wasn't too involved in that decision. 

But then it hit me.  Through talking it out with him, I realized it was an atonement.  I was atoning for past mis-steps. 

I explained to him that I remembered the very day he told me his ex-wife was telling him she wanted to move back into their house, and wanted him to move out.  She wanted him to move to another subburb town (about an hour away) and live in her rental house that was sitting vacant.  I know I talked about this in the last post, but I felt the need to summarize.  I remember that very conversation.  And I remember the fear it elicited in me. 

It was that fear that spurred me to ask him to just move in with me.  Don't move so far away.  And certainly don't move into her rental house.  That moment was the first step down the path that I've been on the past two years. 

We should never act out of fear (unless of course our life really is in danger, and then the fear has a true purpose).  Doing so almost always leads us down the wrong path.  Or, if not wrong, then more full of heartache and trouble. 

So my asking my boyfriend to move out was me correcting that past fear-guided decision.  And now, you know what?  It feels like we're right where we were supposed to be all along.  My boyfriend actually came over last night (at my invitation).  I told him I feel like the past two years have been a dream.  And now we're back in the place in our relationship where we were before we moved in together.  I have my own place.  He has his (well, not yet... he moved in with his parents temporarily until he gets an apartment).  But our relationship isn't over.  I don't want it to be over.  I just want to be in the "right" place.  I want to be in a place of love, not fear.  Doing what's right for me.  Letting self-love guide my decisions and actions, not fear of what someone else will do or what might happen. 

I'm definitely more in that place now than I ever have been before.

I can't say I regret the past two years, or my boyfriend moving in.  I really don't use the word "regret."  I believe everything happens for a reason.  We make the choices we do for a reason.  If it's a choice that will later lead to struggle, then that's what we needed.  I learned a lot in the past two years.  About myself.  About relationships.  I grew and became more self-confident.  So I believe I needed to make that "mis-step" two years ago.  Or rather, perhaps it wasn't a mis-step then. 

Quotes of the Day:

"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."    (Marie Curie)

"There is much in the world to make us afraid. There is much more in our faith to make us unafraid."  (Frederick W. Cropp)

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. "   (David Russell)


  1. Hi Sarah, I'm glad you and your boyfriend are back together. :) That's great that you found clarity. Your job as a florist sounds cool, and encourages me to just get out there and try something. I will let you know how it goes. Right now I am dealing with some family issues, so now doesn't feel like the right time ... again, the "cocoon" image comes to mind. That's ok. Even though I feel a bit lost and impatient to find my life's mission, I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. And I can find contentment in that. Keep on writing, I love your openness and willingness to share the details of your life.

    1. Marielle,
      Thanks! If now doesn't feel like the right time to make a change, due to the family issues you mentioned, that is ok. You'll know when the time is right. Just make sure you listen to yourself! Which, I believe you will.
      You're totally right - you ARE exactly where you're supposed to be right now. I've also been struggling with what to do lately. I've been questioning being a writer. Or at least writing novels...I still love this blog. But even with this blog, you might have noticed, I haven't been posting as much the past week or two. My motivation is very low, for unknown reasons right now. I'm struggling with not having much of an income, knowing my savings won't last forever. I'm living on borrowed time. BUT, it will work out. Just like your situation.
      Keep going! (I'm speaking to both you and me.)