The first couple of times were my doing. The first two weeks after he moved out I doubted myself, whether I made the right decision or a huge mistake, and I missed him. So I initiated contact and asked if he wanted to get together.
It was those post-move-out dates that further cemented that I did, in fact, do the right thing.
I still didn't have the courage, or perhaps meanness, to tell him the raw truth.
After he left I felt oddly sad. Sad and hurt. I had no idea why.
Isn't this what I wanted? Yes.
Do I secretly want to be with him? No.
So why the feeling that I want to cry?
I was writing in my journal by this point, trying to figure out my own feelings. And it was through writing it out that the answer came to me.
I had disappointed myself.
I had continued to spend time with this guy who, while I still liked him (as a friend), I knew full well that I was leading him on (I knew what his feelings towards me were).
I was ready to cut ties, wish each other the best, and go on with our lives. But I ignored that (a shout out to my blog two days ago) and continued to spend time with him because that's what he wanted.
I was so focused on not disappointing him and not hurting his feelings, that I totally put that above my own feelings.
I even wrote in all caps and underlined in my journal yesterday:
DO WHAT I NEED AND WANT TO DO FOR ME!
He will be just fine. He'll get over whatever disappointment or hurt I may cause him. I need to
STOP DISAPPOINTING MYSELF!!! (Again in all caps in my journal, and with the three exclamation points.)
Once I wrote that, I broke down. I knew, then, that I hit the nail on the head.
I can choose to live my life, do what I enjoy, follow my heart, and be true to me!
Since I do believe everything happens for a reason, and if something happens repeatedly it's because we still haven't gotten the lesson (though we often think we have), I have to believe that even these past couple of weeks and yesterday with my ex-boyfriend were for a reason. That reason was (embarrassing as it is) to show me that I'm still pushing my feelings aside for someone else's benefit.
I was upset yesterday because I had disappointed myself. *sigh* Apparently I still have more work to do in that aspect of my life. But I am choosing to be grateful for the opportunity to practice it, and for it to be brought to my attention, yet again.
This reminded me of a post on facebook yesterday:
So, I go into today having learned yet another (or the same) lesson.
Be true to me!
Don't disappoint myself!
Listen to that inner voice, and respect it!
*I love the first quote below! Hm...maybe I'm not doing as bad as I thought in the self-respect category...
Quotes of the Day:
"It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character." (Dale Turner) http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/daleturner121034.html#YVuCmLI3FM4PeGgd.99
"He that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce." (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow) http://www.quotegarden.com/self-respect.html
"I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence." (Frederick Douglass) http://www.quotegarden.com/self-respect.html
I can so relate to this blog...I am in a situation right now...that same situation where I want this on and off again friend to be something more...we tried once and it was a total disaster...I don't know how to leave it...I even texted him to see if he could be honest and tell me what he actually thought of me...needless to say he didn't because he doesn't respect my request...and I don't respect myself enough to walk away from someone who can not even answer a simple question...or not some simple question...I am learning...I need to leave it...and walk away...respect myself enough to know that there is somone out there who can answer me ... Thanks...This was great! -Tiffany
ReplyDeleteTiffany,
DeleteThanks! I think we often want our guys to be what we WANT them to be instead of what they ARE. I know that's the case for me. Even today, as I thought even more about my ex-boyfriend and how this time it finally feels like the relationship is over... I'm feeling nostalgic. I'm remembering the good times and thinking maybe we could get THAT back. But I just wrote in my journal all the stuff that wasn't good - about the relationship and about him. And it helped! Maybe you should try it. :)
I have to say though, when you texted your guy and asked him to tell you what he thought of you, and he didn't respond, THAT WAS his response. He apparently doesn't even think enough of you TO respond. You can do SOOO much better than that! Believe me, I've been there too! I've had other exes do exactly the same thing -- simply not return calls, texts, or emails. As if I didn't even exist. It hurts.
But the only person we can control or change is US! And we CAN change us. That's the good news. People will be who they are and treat us how they want, in line with their character. But it's up to us if we lay down and take it again and again, or if we walk away when someone's not treating us with respect.
I've been walked on way too many times. I'm finally learning to stand up for myself. And it sounds like you are too, which is awesome! Life certainly is a learning process and relationships are the best teachers!
All my best to you!
Sarah
"We teach people how to treat us." Dr. Phil
ReplyDelete*nodding* Yep! Funny thing is, I always considered myself a GOOD teacher... lol... though not in the way I teach others to treat me... obviously. Something to work on though...
DeleteThanks for the comment! :)
There's a beautiful quote from Abraham-Hicks that sums up this situation so perfectly: "When you decide that you want to feel
ReplyDeletegood, and you reach for the vibration that feels good to you and you establish that as your Tone — either the people around you will be uplifted to join you in that vibration or, if their vibration is already very well chosen otherwise — they will
clatter right out of your experience. But what happens to most of you is, while they are clattering out of your experience, you notice they’re clattering. You begin to clatter too, and then they clatter right back into your experience — and you clatter together miserably and continually."
That quote always gets a wry smile from me because it's SOOO true. We know it's time to separate (whether it's friends or lovers), we initiate it - and as soon as we notice them clattering off we get scared. Fear of the unknown? Or are we mourning the death of the dreams we had together? It feels like giving up, even though we know we've moved on - but now we have to tread a new path on our own. It's scary stuff, don't beat yourself up too much about it :)
Isobel
http://becomeyourvision.com
Isobel,
DeleteWow, thanks so much! That really helps! I LOVE that quote, thanks for sharing it.
That DOES put it in a new light and a new perspective and it is so true! I was all content with ending things with my boyfriend UNTIL he seemed to move on too. And until he did some things that I didn't agree with (the communications with his ex-wife). It was like my ego came raging up at that point. And I began clattering with his vibration, instead of the vibration I had previously found for myself in which I was happy and at peace.
I think for me it was definitely a mourning of the dreams I had for us as a couple. There WAS good stuff there. So when he left last night, it further confirmed that it was over. Like the last 2 years had been a waste. Why was I trying so hard if it wasn't going to work out? I think I'm still coming to terms with that part of it. You're right, it does feel like giving up.
Thanks for your comment!
Sarah
i feel for you guys! Im going through the same thing. I broke up with my bf a few months back. But when i found out about his new girl, the feeling of being with him again got the best out of me. And now that we're together again, i'm so confused. I know i dont want to be with him anymore, but i am afraid to let him go.
ReplyDeleteJocelyn,
DeleteWhy is it so tough? (I'm asing rhetorically.) It seems like if we KNOW the guy isn't right for us and we're better off without him, then why can't we just let him go and move on? It's certainly a choice and a conscious effort, that's for sure. It's just hard when you have a history with a person, you'll think about the good times and long for THAT time of the relationship and the closeness you felt. That's why I think it's important to force yourself to remember the bad times and the reasons you didn't want to be with him. That's also why I've never been a fan of staying in touch with exes. At least for me it makes it that much harder to move on and not hold on to those ties to that other person.
Sarah
i broke up with him already. what do you think i should do to fast track my recovery/ moving on period? letting him go is hurting me a lot. is this is a sign that i should go back to him and retract what i said?
DeleteJocelyn,
DeleteWell, that's good you've already broken up. If it's not right, and you know it, why delay moving on and healing? But it sounds like you're not sure breaking up was the right thing to do. Why did you break up the FIRST time? Also, was it his being with someone else that made you want to get back with him? If so, that's not a good reason. I get it though, I think we've all been there.
Right now, though, I think you need to spend some quiet time with yourself. I suggest going into a room alone, and make sure you won't be disturbed (no cell phone either). Light a candle if you want, or just sit in the dark. And just sit. Quiet your mind. When thoughts come into it, let them pass on through. Don't dwell with any one line of thought. When you catch yourself "thinking," stop and quiet your mind again. See what comes up. See what feelings come up. I suggest doing this for at least 10 minutes, but preferably longer. As long as you can, really. Do it every day for as long as you feel it working for you. I think it'll help center you, and help your true thoughts and feelings come up. I know it helps me whenever I do that. And when I'm feeling stressed or unsure about situations, I'll go into my quiet space, light a candle, and sit for at least 20 minutes. It always helps. It helped me through several stressful issues with my ex-bf. In time, of sitting, I'd get to a place of peace with the situation and "just know" what was right.
If, after spending some serious quality time with YOU, you want to give it a shot with your bf again, and HE is up for it too, then do it. Sometimes we need to learn by experience. :)
Feel free to keep writing me if you want!
My email is beyou.liveyourdream@gmail.com.
Sarah