So my (ex)boyfriend came over yesterday. We went out to a bar to watch the first half of the Daytona 500, get something to eat, have a couple drinks, then came back to my house to finish the race. This was the fifth, I think, time we've hung out since he moved out.
The first couple of times were my doing. The first two weeks after he moved out I doubted myself, whether I made the right decision or a huge mistake, and I missed him. So I initiated contact and asked if he wanted to get together.
It was those post-move-out dates that further cemented that I did, in fact, do the right thing.
I still didn't have the courage, or perhaps meanness, to tell him the raw truth.
After he left I felt oddly sad. Sad and hurt. I had no idea why.
Isn't this what I wanted? Yes.
Do I secretly want to be with him? No.
So why the feeling that I want to cry?
I was writing in my journal by this point, trying to figure out my own feelings. And it was through writing it out that the answer came to me.
I had disappointed myself.
I had continued to spend time with this guy who, while I still liked him (as a friend), I knew full well that I was leading him on (I knew what his feelings towards me were).
I was ready to cut ties, wish each other the best, and go on with our lives. But I ignored that (a shout out to my blog two days ago) and continued to spend time with him because that's what he wanted.
I was so focused on not disappointing him and not hurting his feelings, that I totally put that above my own feelings.
I even wrote in all caps and underlined in my journal yesterday:
DO WHAT I NEED AND WANT TO DO FOR ME!
He will be just fine. He'll get over whatever disappointment or hurt I may cause him. I need to
STOP DISAPPOINTING MYSELF!!! (Again in all caps in my journal, and with the three exclamation points.)
Once I wrote that, I broke down. I knew, then, that I hit the nail on the head.
I can choose to live my life, do what I enjoy, follow my heart, and be true to me!
Since I do believe everything happens for a reason, and if something happens repeatedly it's because we still haven't gotten the lesson (though we often think we have), I have to believe that even these past couple of weeks and yesterday with my ex-boyfriend were for a reason. That reason was (embarrassing as it is) to show me that I'm still pushing my feelings aside for someone else's benefit.
I was upset yesterday because I had disappointed myself. *sigh* Apparently I still have more work to do in that aspect of my life. But I am choosing to be grateful for the opportunity to practice it, and for it to be brought to my attention, yet again.
This reminded me of a post on facebook yesterday:
So, I go into today having learned yet another (or the same) lesson.
Be true to me!
Don't disappoint myself!
Listen to that inner voice, and respect it!
*I love the first quote below! Hm...maybe I'm not doing as bad as I thought in the self-respect category...
Quotes of the Day:
"It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character." (Dale Turner) http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/daleturner121034.html#YVuCmLI3FM4PeGgd.99
"He that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none
can pierce." (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow) http://www.quotegarden.com/self-respect.html
"I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of
others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence." (Frederick