I've been looking at my life and the choices I've made a lot lately. As I wrote yesterday, I realize, now, that I do a lot of what I do out of fear. Specifically fear of running out of time. I feel the urgency to jump on every opportunity right now, so I don't miss it. Also so I have as much time to enjoy it as possible.
I'm still working on that.
Then today a new revelation about myself and my choices came to me. I too often settle for what's easy, instead of holding out for what I really want.
This has showed up mostly in relationships. The type of person I feel, in my soul, that I want to be with is... in a word... rare. I honestly don't know if I'll find it or if it exists. I believe it does, so I guess that's the first step.
But because it's rare, it doesn't show up very often (duh... that is the meaning of rare), or at all.
I can honestly say that I haven't yet (at the age of 35) had the relationship I really want. The one I long for in my heart.
Because I jump too quick on what's here right now. A guy's interested in me? Great! I think... Oh, he's alright... maybe something could build there... so I give it a shot.
I know he's not who or what I really want.
It's out of fear. Fear that if I hold out, what I really want won't come along. And fear that I don't really deserve to be loved like I want to be loved. Fear (and a deep belief) that I'm not worthy of such love.
It's been easier to go for what I really want when it comes to jobs and career. I have more confidence in those areas and a higher self-esteem.
Growing up I was always told how smart I was, my teachers always praised me, and I knew I was a top student. It's no wonder I have plenty of confidence in my intellectual capability and work ethic.
But relationship-wise... that's a whole different ball game.
I haven't felt comfortable being myself in most of my relationships. I'm beginning to see that *perhaps* I have been with the "wrong" people.
I don't like to use the word "wrong" much, because I do believe I needed the relationships I had in order to get to where I am today. Maybe. I guess.
Regardless of if I needed the given relatonship or not, I still "settled" for the person because it was the easy route. I wanted to be loved (still do), and I had someone in front of me showing the potential to love me. My self-worth was so low that I felt I had to take what I could get.
I took the safe, quick, easy route because I was so hungry for love. Hungry for acceptance. Hungry for someone to want to be with me. And if someone wanted to be with me, sadly, often that's all it took. (I did have some boundaries and limits, mind you.)
I was like a starving person. If you're starving, and you're offered a piece of bread, you're going to take it. You're not going to hold out for a three-course meal of your favorite foods. That's how I was with relationships.
Even now that I see how I've been behaving and the reasons behind my choices, it's still hard.
If you read "The Daily Love," did you see the post by Jenna Phillips yesterday? Titled, "Be In Love With You?" It's amazing. I printed it out even.
Similar to a client Jenna mentioned in her blog, it seemed all the people I was interested in either weren't interested in me, or were unavailable in some way. So instead, I took the people who were interested in me.
Jenna's advice for her client was this: "When you truly fall in love with your Self, you will finally discover your soul mate."
All along I've thought I loved myself. But I see now that I really didn't. Not entirely. I wasn't feeling truly comfortable in relationships because I wasn't truly comfortable with myself.
There was always something "not quite right" in my relationships, which I ignored as long as I could. Of course there's a reason it wasn't quite right. I wasn't loving myself deeply and truly. I wasn't letting myself be my full, real self.
I am looking forward to the future now. I see some great possibilities there. But I've gotta be committed to ME. First and foremost. I've gotta stay the course. Stick to what I feel in my heart that I want. Don't give in to the next thing (aka, guy) who comes along who seems appealing only because he's here, now, and wants to be with me.
I want the "Big Love" that Jenna refers to in her blog. I do. So I've got to stop settling for what's easy, and hold out for that big love that I know I deserve. It's there. And I am worthy of it!