Anyway, that's not the point of this blog today. I told her how I tend to sell myself short when it comes to relationships. She agreed. Sisters, or best friends, are good like that. They can often see stuff in us that we don't, or can validate things we think we know about ourselves.
I tend to find myself preferring to be with a guy who I feel more attractive than. I know that sounds awful! In fact, I'm embarrassed to even admit that on here. But, it's true.
I have dated guys who I thought were really cute, but in those cases 1) they pursued me and 2) it didn't last long. In my three longer relationships (as in, more than just a couple months...and my most current ex, 2 years), I felt comfortable with the guy because I knew I was the "prettier" one between us. They were "safe" to me.
While I don't put so much stock in looks, as far as how much I'll connect with a person, because really, we can only do so much about how we look. It's the person on the inside, who we cultivate and grow into, that really matters. I know this.
But if I'm out, say, and I'm single, and interested in meeting guys, I scan the crowd. The really good looking ones, even if they're really nice and humble, I immediately discount. Why? Fear and insecurity.
My sister told me she likes to have "arm candy." (Please know that she doesn't pick guys solely based on looks either.) For her, the better looking the guy is, the better. She's like, "I'm with him!"
I'm the opposite. Being with a super good-looking guy doesn't elicit confidence and pride in me, as it does my sister. It elicits fear. Fear that at any moment he'll see someone else prettier, or find someone else he likes more, and leave me in a heartbeat.
Yeah, I'm that insecure. Or at least I have been... I like to think every day I grow a little more, so today I'm more secure than I was yesterday, and today I'm way more secure than I was two years ago when I first met my now-ex-boyfriend.
I've been contemplating why I do this. Why I sell myself short this way and assume a great guy (good looking or not) wouldn't choose me if he had other options.
I guess I know why.... it goes all the way back to my father leaving my mom and me when I was very little. They say our life experiences before the age of 7 shape us the most. But I hate to use that as an excuse. And I don't believe anything that happens "to" us is an excuse to not take control of your own life and be happy!
That being said, it was an early "lesson" that you can't trust men to stick around. (Yes, I'm working on this false belief as well.)
Since looks are what you see first when you meet a person, it's a quick determinant I use as to the odds of a guy staying with me. Theoretically, the better looking he is, the more girls he'll have chasing after him and wanting to be with him. So by choosing not-as-good-looking guys, I'm increasing my odds. Fewer girls will be clamoring for their attention. They'll be happy to stay with me... or so the reasoning goes. (And of course that theory only goes as deep as physical appearance... once I actually talk to a guy I might have no interest, or vice versa.)
This is no way to live. And certainly no way to choose who to date and who to form relationships with!
As I was walking my dogs yesterday, I pondered this, and recalled my conversation with my sister. Then these words came to my mind, and I quickly typed them into my cell phone to remember:
"Step into your own awesomeness. You are amazing! Anyone would be lucky to be with you."
I need to stop selling myself short. Stop settling. I am amazing (as are you)! And as amazing as we are, anyone would be lucky to get to be with us! Maybe you already know this, believe it, and live it. I'm still trying. Still learning to "step into my awesomeness."
Quotes of the Day:
“The fishing is best where the fewest go and the collective insecurity of the world makes it easy for people to hit home runs while everyone is aiming for base hits.” (Timothy Ferriss)
"I think we all have blocks between us and the best version of ourselves, whether it's shyness, insecurity, anxiety, whether it's a physical block, and the story of a person overcoming that block to their best self. It's truly inspiring because I think all of us are engaged in that every day."
"It is playing safe that we create a world of utmost insecurity."