I've been struggling with motivation lately. I'm not sure what it is. It's probably a combination of things... adjusting to not being home as much, or having as much time to write, due to working at the florist, waiting to hear back from my doctor regarding a message I received a week after my annual check-up that just said to "call the office" (I've called the office three times now and left messages), just breaking my flash drive which had loads of pictures and also much of my writing saved on it (including my two current works, which if I can't salvage the flash drive (I don't know yet if it's even fixable), I'll be starting over...luckily I hadn't gotten too far with my current writing projects), and maybe even still getting used to being single again.
A lot has changed in my life in the past two months and I think I'm still getting my groove back. I went from writing being my only job, to now splitting my "work time" between writing and a traditional job again.
I've always been sensitive to changes in my schedule or demands on my time. I think it's partly why it doesn't work for me working full-time in a traditional job for a traditional employer. That's just too much time away from home, devoting too many hours to someone else's agenda.
But I also feel it with "fun" things. Yesterday was largely spent going to the concert. It was two hours away, and my sister and I went early to hang out and eat before the show. It was after one a.m. by the time I returned home (choosing to make the drive that night instead of in the morning).
And tomorrow is a first (annual, hopefully) St. Patrick's Day event in Indianapolis (where I live). It looks like tons of fun and obviously a once-a-year kind of event. I really want to go and am looking forward to it. So most of that day will be spent there.
So today's the "down day" in between two pretty big social events. A totally free day. I had penned in my calendar to go to the gym and work out (something else I haven't been motivated to do recently), walk my dogs, and take my cat for his annual check-up and shots. But this morning after finally getting out of bed (I'm not used to staying up so late), the only thing that sounded good was lounging around the house in my sweats.
So that's what I've been doing.
I'm a strong introvert. That I know. I need down time to recharge my batteries. That's why even fun events can be stressful. They're stressful in the sense that while fun (usually), they still drain me.
But as I sit here on the couch, checking email and responding to what needs responding to, I'm feeling that now-familiar sense that I should be doing something.
I've caught up on my recorded programs on DVR, so that's not it. (I hope you can sense the sarcasm there.)
What is it?
It really drives me crazy to have stuff "up in the air." I have a hard time concentrating on anything else when there are matters left to be discussed or actions left to be taken. When I got the message from my doctor's office to "call the office" but with no more information than that, of course I worried. It's been four days now since I did call the office and left a message. I've since called twice more and left two more messages. I'm telling myself that the fact that no one seems to be in a hurry to get back to me, that that's a good thing and means it's nothing serious. And that's probably true. But still. I feel a little bit like I'm in limbo. I hate that feeling.
I just took a pause from writing this post to make some herbal tea. I often use Tazo tea, and the message on the tea bag says, "Where there is love, there is no question."
Maybe that's my little reminder from the Universe to just relax and let it go. Just love. Be love. Live in love. Sit in love (even in my sweats).
I definitely feel something stirring inside me. An unsettling. An uncertainty. Feeling the desire to be productive, but the motivation to do nothing. Because there's nothing I feel a strong pull towards, that I really want to do at the moment.
When I got that tarot card reading last week, at the end I asked the guy about my career (not telling what that was), saying it felt up in the air. His response was that I've been feeling stuck for a little while now, especially regarding the relationship I just ended, and now that I'm out of that, things in my life will begin moving again.
Maybe that's what I'm feeling. The beginnings of the stirring within me. Life had been pretty stagnant for the past year or longer, not all in a bad way either. A few ups and downs, but mostly pretty consistent and stable. But now "things are a-changin.'" I've ended a serious relationship. I've taken on a new job. The demands on my time have certainly shifted.
Should it take this long to re-adjust?
"Where there is love, there is no question."
Maybe I've been straying from living in love. Even in small ways. Feeling stressed and anxious about the doctor's message isn't love. Beating myself up because I "should be doing something" isn't love.
Yes, I think that's it. As I typed that I swear I felt my heart smile. (And I actually did smile...with my mouth... involuntarily).
I'm constantly feeling the drive, the pressure, to do something. There's always something I could be doing. When I do one thing, there are a million behind it. Walk my dogs (again, or longer). Go volunteer at the animal shelter some more. Work on a new book. Clean my house.
I need to just let all that go. Let go of the expectations. Not only of others, but mostly from myself.
Focus on the love.
What I'm "supposed" to do next will come once I'm centered. And I certainly haven't felt very centered lately.
*Additional note: My doctor's office actually called me back while writing this blog. The nurse I spoke with apologized about the confusion and no one calling me back about it yet, then said there was a slight abnormality in one of the tests they ran, but it's nothing that needs further testing at this point and nothing to be concerned about... it will just be re-evaluated when I return in a year for my next check-up. That was it. So...breathing a sigh of relief there...
**Both quotes below are from http://thinkexist.com/quotes/with/keyword/rut/2.html.
Quotes of the Day:
"Habit is necessary; it is the habit of having habits, of turning a trail into a rut, that must be incessantly fought against if one is to remain alive." Edith Wharton