I jotted the following down in a text message draft three days ago... the day after getting the inheritance/tax text from my aunt, which was the day I wrote the blog about "not feeling the love:"
"All you can do is be someone you're proud to be."
At the time I was struggling with how to handle the situation. I was feeling disappointed and hurt by my aunt's actions. I was at the florist, pondering the whole thing, and that's what came to me (the quote above).
It's true. We get to choose how to respond to every situation we find ourselves in. We can respond out of fear -- lashing out in anger, trying to make the other person feel as badly as we feel, or playing the victim card. OR we can respond in love. Love for ourselves and love for all. Everything IS love, after all.
Then I had my momentous night, after watching "The Help" where a ton of deep-seated stuff came up. I blogged about that yesterday. That experience also shifted my feelings toward my aunt and her actions, since ultimately my feelings towards my aunt boiled down to not feeling loved. And once I realized that I was and am loved all the time, my "need" to make her understand simply vanished.
It's amazing how much smoother the sea of life is when you're floating along in love. Literally, the last two days have felt so smooth. I'm more at peace with my aunt and her actions. I also told the manager at the florist that after the current month's schedule, I'm not going to work as much as I have been so I can focus on my writing (she was very understanding about it). I definitely feel more at peace and more in love.
It was also interesting... I was walking my dog yesterday morning, thinking about all of this, and specifically, thinking about my mom and my relationship with her over my life... and wouldn't you know, at that very moment, my mom drives by! Now, it's not unusual for my mom to drive by or for me to see her when I'm out walking my dogs. We live in the same small town and she was most likely coming from my grandma's house, who lives about a half a mile from me. So I actually see my mom drive down my street quite a bit, coming and going. But still, at the moment I was thinking about her, she drives by.
I realized during my breakthrough night that I harbored the most hurt feelings surrounding my mom. You would think it would be surrounding my father -- who left us when I was small... or surrounding his family -- who didn't try harder to keep in touch with me throughout my life.
But as I journaled about it after watching that movie, I found that I could easily forgive my father's family. That just came out of me. And I knew I had already forgiven my father, due to work I had done, emotionally and spiritually, years ago.
Where I got hung up was in regards to my mom. Maybe it's simply because she's a woman and a mother and I think how differently I would treat my own children if I had any.
My feelings of forgiveness, love, and understanding towards her came slower and later. Around the time I was walking my dog and she drove by.
I realize I have never had and probably will never have the relationship with my mom that I'd like. But so what. She birthed me. She allowed me to come into this life. And she did take care of me as best as she could. I'm grateful to be here. Now it's my life, my time, to do with what I will.
I think it's natural for all of us to respond out of fear at times. But if you can step outside of yourself, focus on the Love that is in everything and engulfing you at all times, then come from that place instead, I think you'll be better off.
If you're faced with a decision, or having to interact with someone you don't care for, or in a situation you wish was different.... step back and ask yourself what kind of person you would be proud to be. Then base your choice of action on that person, and not the scared, hurt one who may be inside of you.