I have a problem being vulnerable. I tend to put on a "tough girl" hat and don't let on how I'm really feeling. Or at least don't show the depth of my feelings. Why? I'm afraid of being hurt. Afraid that if I show just how strongly I feel, really put myself out there, that it won't be reciprocated and I'll feel stupid.
This ties into my "playing it safe" that I've blogged about recently. With jobs and in relationships I do what I know I can do. I pursue jobs that I feel confident I can perform excellently. And I pursue relationships in which I feel I have the "upper hand." Where I like the person, but not too much. Where if it turns out they don't like me, or I decide I don't want to be with them after all, then I know I'll be just fine.
The more there is at stake, the more you stand to lose. And that's freaking scary.
All my life I've succeeded at what I've sought out to do. Basically anyway. I always succeeded in school. I knew in college I could pursue anything I wanted. Granted at eighteen years old, I didn't know what I really wanted. Hence the degree I have now that I don't use.
Growing up, there were always boys that liked me. But I was shy and boys scared me. Relationships scared me. Probably due to the lack of bonds I felt with either of my parents. But anyway, I didn't go on my first real date until I was a senior in high school, at eighteen years old. And didn't have my first serious, really deep relationship until I was twenty-two.
I don't like to be vulnerable. To be in a position with my heart and soul wide open, where it could easily be stomped on. So I keep my emotions to myself, largely. I hold my cards close to the vest, as they say. If I liked poker, I think I'd be an excellent poker player. People have told me they have a hard time reading me. I know this. I know how to "play it cool."
This came in handy as a teacher, but not so handy in relationships.
I'm learning it's ok to be vulnerable. It's uncomfortable for me, but it's ok. I'm learning to let go and live all out. Little by little anyway. Baby steps.
I know, this coming from the girl who "jumps in" all the time. I guess I'm realizing as I type this blog that I jump in when I feel comfortable and more or less confident that I'll succeed, or at least be ok.
But I'm as scared as the next person. Especially when it's something new, or an area I'm not all that confident in. It can be terrifying.
So here's what I'm learning these days: You have to learn to be ok with being vulnerable in order to experience greatness. Be that great love, great success in a field you're truly passionate about, great whatever.
So take that step. Put yourself out there. BE YOU! The Universe made you the way you are for a reason. You're beautiful and amazing. Accept that. Trust it.
When you're vulnerable, you allow yourself the capability to step into your true awesomeness. To step into your spiritual power. The power we all have. You allow yourself the opportunity to experience amazing things. Give that gift to yourself. No matter what happens, it will be ok!
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