"Don't you see? You were loved all along."
That's what I heard last night. In my head... or coming from somewhere.
I had just watched the movie, "The Help." Have you seen it? I had heard from everyone how good it was, yet for some reason I wasn't compelled to watch it. Then I borrowed it from my sister about two weeks ago, and it sat next to my DVR player. Finally last night I was in the mood to watch it.
I don't know what it was about that movie, but it brought up some stuff in me. For one, the movie is powerful. Amazing movie. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. I'm sure the book is equally amazing, or more so.
There was a little girl in the movie (about 3 years old), the daughter of one of the white women, who one of the featured maid characters took care of. I saw myself in that little girl. It could be partly because she was blonde, but I also identified with her life. Not literally... as I was certainly not raised by a black maid, but I do feel more raised by my grandmother than my mother. Anyway, I won't go into detail on that right now.
But after the movie I bawled and bawled. So much stuff came up. Stuff that I thought I'd dealt with. Stuff I didn't even know was there. It was incredible.
After a while I wrote as much as I could in my journal. It was a cool experience. Some of what I "heard" in my head... or some of my thoughts... came as if someone was talking to me. And some were me responding.
For as much of my life as I can remember, I didn't really feel loved. Not really. I had people tell me they loved me, and do acts out of love, apparenty, but I wasn't feeling it. On an intellectual level, I always knew my mother and the rest of my family loved me, as they knew how anyway, but I didn't know it on a spiritual, emotional level. It hadn't penetrated deep into my being. I didn't feel loved.
I got it last night. Here's a little of what I wrote:
"I had you. I had you all along. I made sure nothing happened to you. I gave you Mamaw and Popie (my grandparents). I gave you great teachers. I gave you a self-sufficient mind. I gave you everything. I took care of you. Don't blame your mom. She did the best she could. She has troubles all her own. It's not yours. And it's not you. You are pure love."
I definitely felt the baby and little girl inside me coming up for some healing and some reassurance... or assurance, as I don't know I really got it before. I just kept repeating to myself, "You are precious. I love you so much."
I did notice, in the midst of the breakdown/breakthrough, that those are the words I say to all the animals I have in my life. I'm constantly telling them they're precious and I love them. I think I was partly saying it to myself all along too. And whatever was triggered from the movie last night, I feel I went to a much deeper level inside.
The quote and lyric, "I was blind, but now I see," I feel like that's me. I looked for evidence that I wasn't loved and I wasn't held precious to anyone my whole life. And I certainly came up with some evidence. But just because that's what I was focusing on. What was also there all along were amazing, loving people. I was cared for, I was protected, I was given absolutely everything I needed.
The Universe leaves none of us out in the cold. We are all precious children of God, or children of the Universe, because all is One and we are all the Universe and the Universe is us. Or you could say, we are Love. Pure love.