I've felt a distinct shift in my life recently.
As you know, if you've been reading this blog, I've been working at a florist, part-time since the end of January. I originally was hired on as "seasonal help" for a couple weeks leading up to Valentine's Day. Their busiest time of year.
This was perfect for me, as I like short-term, temporary jobs. It gives me the opportunity to learn something new, make a little money, but not feel stuck.
Then after Valentine's Day the manager asked if I'd like to stay on. Become "permanent" and not "seasonal." I said sure, and was actually excited! I liked the job, after all. It would still be part-time, which I thought meant two or maybe three days a week. Maybe even one. (They have one permanent employee who only works Wednesdays...for whatever reason, I don't know.)
Well, working the rest of February was nice. I did work typically two days a week, sometimes three on occasion. The shifts were short, which I liked. Then into March the manager scheduled me for longer shifts, but still only two a week. I politely asked if it was possible to stick to shorter shifts, she said, Sure! No problem! And March went along well.
Now we're into April. I got the April schedule a couple weeks ago and felt it then. The constricting feeling in my heart of feeling stuck. I don't know if the manager simply forgot, or what, but instead of one to two days a week, I'm on for three to four days a week. And instead of the short four to five hour shifts, nearly all the shifts were seven to eight hours.
I was not happy. I felt fear. This is not what I want, I thought.
This is a familiar feeling to me - this constriction. I've felt it in many of my other jobs. It's how I know it's gotten to be too much, not what I signed on for, and it's time to make a change or move on.
I am dreading April. And I hate that. I know a change needs to be made, and it will. I plan to talk to the manager about drastically reducing my hours in May, and thereafter. It's just getting through this month.
Here's the thing. The reason I'm getting the "stuck" feeling in this job. I am a writer. (To build on yesterday's blog... instead of saying, "I want to write.") Since I'm spending so many hours at the florist, I've hardly written anything in the last two months. And it's starting to get to me.
I'm not being who I am.
Working at a florist, while a good job that I do still enjoy, isn't what I want to be doing with my life, with the majority of my waking hours. I miss writing. And I also miss volunteering at the animal shelter more often (which I had to cut back).
It's time for a change. A re-balancing.
Here's the thing. We all have to be true to who we are. We can try to change for someone else, or to fit a certain situation. But it won't work for long. When we fight the current of who we are, our suppressed self gets angry and fights back.
That's what I've been feeling lately. Anger. More so than I've felt in a long time.
Definitely time for a change.
Perhaps I can see if anyone else at the florist wants a few of my April shifts. To lessen my load, to ease the tension I'm feeling. Almost everyone there is part-time, and many people would probably like additional shifts.
The other alternative is to stay present and be grateful for the long shifts this month, accepting it as a gift from the Universe.
The lesson I'm learning (again) these past couple of days is to be me. When I stray off-course (like getting away from writing), I feel it. It's how I know to steer my ship back to my true path.
Stay the course. Follow your heart. Do what feels good and right to you and you'll draw good and right people and circumstances to you.
And remember, it's all happening so you can learn and grow.